Going Postal

“Anything wrong with that?”
    “Well…no. Certainly not! It’s just that people get a bit nervous and set fire to the shop. I’ll bring them down as soon as possible.” She paused. “You do understand that owned golems have to have a day off every week? You did read the pamphlet, didn’t you?”
    “Er…time off?” said Moist. “What do they need time off for? A hammer doesn’t get time off, does it?”
    “In order to be golems. Don’t ask what they do, I think just go and sit in a cellar somewhere. It’s…it’s a way to show they’re not a hammer, Mr. Lipwig. The buried ones forget. The free golems teach them. But don’t worry, the rest of the time they won’t even sleep.”
    “So…Mr. Pump has a day off coming?” said Moist.
    “Of course,” said Miss Dearheart, and Moist filed this one under “useful to know.”
    “Good. Thank you,” he said. Would you like to have dinner tonight? Moist normally had no trouble with words, but these stuck to his tongue. There was something pineapple-prickly about Miss Dearheart. There was something about her expression that said, There’s no possible way you could surprise me, I know all about you .
    “Is there anything else?” she said. “Only you’re standing there with your mouth open.”
    “Er…no. That’s fine. Thank you,” mumbled Moist.
    She smiled at him, and bits of Moist tingled.
    “Well, off you go then, Mr. Lipwig,” she said. “Brighten up the world like a little sunbeam.”

    F OUR OUT OF THE FIVE postmen were what Mr. Groat called horse de combat, and were brewing tea in the mail-stuffed cubbyhole that was laughingly called their Rest Room. Aggy had been sent home after the bulldog had been prised from his leg; Moist had a big basket of fruit sent round. You couldn’t go wrong with a basket of fruit.
    Well, it had made an impression, at least. So had the bulldog. But some mail had been delivered, you had to admit it. You had to admit, too, that it was years and years late, but the post was moving . You could sense it in the air. The place didn’t feel so much like a tomb. Now Moist had retired to his office, where he was getting creative.
    “Cup of tea, Mr. Lipwig?”
    He looked up from his work into the slightly strange face of Stanley.
    “Thank you, Stanley,” he said, laying down his pen. “And I see you got nearly all in the cup this time! Nicely done!”
    “What’re you drawing, Mr. Lipwig?” said the boy, craning his neck. “It looks like the Post Office!”
    “Well done. It’s going to be on a stamp, Stanley. Here, what do you think of the others?” He passed over the other sketches.
    “Coo, you’re a good draw-er, Mr. Lipwig. That looks just like Lord Vetinari!”
    “That’s the penny stamp,” said Moist. “I copied the likeness off a penny. City coat-of-arms on the two-penny, Morporkia with her fork of the five-penny, Tower of Art on the big one-dollar stamp. I was thinking of a ten-penny stamp, too.”
    “They look very nice, Mr. Lipwig,” said Stanley. “All that detail. Like little paintings. What’s all those tiny lines called?”
    “Cross-hatching. Makes them hard to forge. And when the letter with the stamp on it comes into the Post Office, you see, we take one of the old rubber stamps and stamp over the new stamps so they can’t be used again, and the—”
    “Yes, ’cos they’re like money, really,” said Stanley cheerfully.
    “Pardon?” said Moist, tea halfway to his lips.
    “Like money. These stamps’ll be like money. ’Cos a penny stamp is a penny, when you think about it. Are you all right, Mr. Lipwig? Only you’ve gone all funny. Mr. Lipwig?”
    “Er…what?” said Moist, who was staring at the wall with a strange, faraway grin.
    “Are you all right, sir?”
    “What? Oh. Yes. Yes, indeed. Er…do we need a bigger stamp, do you think? Five dollars, perhaps?”
    “Hah, I should think you could send a big letter all the way to Fourecks for that, Mr. Lipwig!” said Stanley cheerfully.
    “Worth thinking ahead, then,” said Moist. “I mean, since we’re designing the stamps and everything…”
    But now Stanley was admiring “Mr. Robinson’s box.” It was an old friend to Moist. He never used “Mr. Robinson” as an alias except to get it stored by some halfway-honest merchant or publican, so that it’d be somewhere safe even if he had to leave town quickly. To a con man and forger it was what a set of lock picks is to a burglar, but with the contents of this