Going Postal

“We arrived in the hope that there might be a spare table and were astonished to find there was!”
    “Then at least one of us has been made a fool of, Mr. Lipwig,” said Gilt. “But tell me…are you truly Mr. Moist von Lipwig, the postmaster?”
    “Yes, I am.”
    “Without your hat?”
    Moist coughed. “It’s not actually compulsory,” he said.
    The big face observed him in silence, and then a hand like a steelworker’s glove was thrust forward.
    “I am very pleased to meet you at last, Mr. Lipwig. I trust your good luck will continue.”
    Moist took the hand and, instead of the bone-crushing grip he was expecting, felt the firm handshake of an honorable man and looked into the steady, honest, one-eyed gaze of Reacher Gilt.
    Moist had worked hard at his profession and considered himself pretty good at it, but if he had been wearing his hat, he would have taken it off right now. He was in the presence of a master. He could feel it in the hand, see it in that one commanding eye. Were things otherwise, he would have humbly begged to be taken on as an apprentice, scrub the man’s floors, cook his food, just to sit at the feet of greatness and learn how to do the three-card trick using whole banks. If Moist was any judge, any judge at all, the man in front of him was the biggest fraud he’d ever met. And he advertised it. That was…style. The pirate curls, the eyepatch, even the damn parrot. Twelve and a half percent, for heaven’s sake, didn’t anyone spot that? He told them what he was, and they laughed and loved him for it. It was breathtaking. If Moist von Lipwig had been a career killer, it would have been like meeting a man who’d devised a way to destroy civilizations.
    All this came in an instant, in one bolt of understanding, in the glint of an eye. But something ran in front of it as fast as a little fish ahead of a shark.
    Gilt was shocked , not surprised. That tiny moment was barely measurable on any clock, but just for an instant the world had gone wrong for Reacher Gilt. That moment had been wiped out so competently that all that remained of it was Moist’s certainty that it had happened, but the certainty was rigid.
    He was loath to let go of the hand in case there was a flash that might broil him alive. After all, he had recognized the nature of Gilt, so the man must certainly have spotted him.
    “Thank you, Mr. Gilt,” he said.
    “I gather you were kind enough to carry some of our messages today,” Gilt rumbled.
    “It was a pleasure, sir. If ever you need our help, you only have to ask.”
    “Hmm,” said Gilt. “But the least I can do is buy you dinner, Postmaster. The bill will come to my table. Choose whatever you wish. And now, if you will excuse me, I must attend to my… other guests.”
    He bowed to the simmering Miss Dearheart and walked back.
    “The management would like to thank you for not killing the guests,” said Moist, sitting down. “Now we should—”
    He stopped and stared.
    Miss Dearheart, who had been saving up to hiss at him, took one look at his face and hesitated.
    “Are you ill?” she said.
    “They’re…burning,” said Moist, his eyes widening.
    “Ye gods, you’ve gone white!”
    “The writing…they’re screaming…I can smell burning!”
    “Someone over there is having crepes,” said Miss Dearheart. “It’s just—” She stopped, and sniffed. “It smells like paper , though…”
    People looked around as Moist’s chair crashed backwards.
    “The Post Office is on fire! I know it is!” he shouted, and turned and ran.
    Miss Dearheart caught up just as he was in the hall, where one of Gilt’s bodyguards had grabbed him. She tapped the man on the shoulder and, as he turned to push her away, stamped down heavily. As he screamed, she dragged the bewildered Moist away.
    “Water…we’ve got to get water…” He groaned. “They’re burning! They’re all burning!”

CHAPTER 10
    The Burning of Words
In which Stanley remains calm • Moist the hero
• Searching for a cat, never a good idea • Something in
the dark • Mr. Gryle is encountered • Fire and water
• Mr. Lipwig helps the Watch • Dancing on the edge
• Mr. Lipwig gets religion • Opportunity time
• Miss Maccalariat’s hair-grip • The miracle
    T HE LETTERS BURNED
    Part of the ceiling fell down, showering more letters onto the flames. The fire was already reaching for the upper floors. As Stanley dragged Mr. Groat across the floor, another slab of plaster