Gone Girl

that was the end of it. Two months later – two months later – I walked into our bedroom, and Amy was on the phone, repeating that license plate. She had a whole story: She was traveling with her two-year-old, and the driver had nearly run her off the road. She said it was her fourth call. She said she’d even researched the company’s routes so she could pick the correct highways for her fake near-accidents. She thought of everything. She was really proud. She was going to get that guy fired.’
    ‘Jesus, Nick,’ Go muttered.
    ‘That’s a very … enlightening story, Nick,’ Tanner said.
    ‘It’s just an example.’
    ‘So, now, help me put this all together,’ he said. ‘Amy finds out you’re cheating. She fakes her death. She makes the supposed crime scene look just fishy enough to raise eyebrows. She’s screwed you over with the credit cards and the life insurance and your little man-cave situation out back …’
    ‘She picks an argument with me the night before she goes missing, and she does it standing near an open window so our neighbor will hear.’
    ‘What was the argument?’
    ‘I am a selfish asshole. Basically, the same one we always have. What our neighbor doesn’t hear is Amy apologizing later – because Amy doesn’t want her to hear that. I mean, I remember being astonished, because it was the quickest makeup we’ve ever had. By the morning she was freakin’ making me crepes, for crying out loud.’
    I saw her again at the stove, licking powdered sugar off her thumb, humming to herself, and I pictured me, walking over to her and shaking her until—
    ‘Okay, and the treasure hunt?’ Tanner said. ‘What’s the theory there?’
    Each clue was unfolded on the table. Tanner picked up a few and let them drop.
    ‘Those are all just bonus fuck-yous,’ I said. ‘I know my wife, believe me. She knew she had to do a treasure hunt or it would look fishy. So she does it, and of course it has eighteen different meanings. Look at the first clue.’
    I picture myself as your student ,
    With a teacher so handsome and wise
    My mind opens up (not to mention my thighs!)
    If I were your pupil, there’d be no need for flowers
    Maybe just a naughty appointment during your office hours
    So hurry up, get going, please do
    And this time I’ll teach you a thing or two .
    ‘It’s pure Amy. I read this, I think: Hey, my wife is flirting with me . No. She’s actually referring to my … infidelity with Andie. Fuck-you number one. So I go there, to my office, with Gilpin, and what’s waiting for me? A pair of women’s underwear. Not even close to Amy’s size – the cops kept asking everyone what size Amy wore, I couldn’t figure out why.’
    ‘But Amy had no way of knowing Gilpin would be with you.’ Tanner frowned.
    ‘It’s a damn good bet,’ Go interrupted. ‘Clue One was part of the actual crime scene – so the cops would know about it – and she has the words office hours right in it. It’s logical they’d go there, with or without Nick.’
    ‘So whose panties are they?’ Tanner asked. Go squinched her nose at the word panties .
    ‘Who knows?’ I said. ‘I’d assumed they were Andie’s, but … Amy probably just bought them. The main point is they’re not Amy’s size. They lead anyone to believe something inappropriate happened in my office with someone who is not my wife. Fuck-you number two.’
    ‘And if the cops weren’t with you when you went to the office?’ Tanner asked. ‘Or no one noticed the panties?’
    ‘She doesn’t care , Tanner! This treasure hunt, it’s as much for her amusement as anything. She doesn’t need it. She’s overdone it all just to make sure there are a million damning little clues in circulation. Again, you’ve got to know my wife: She’s a belt-and-suspenders type.’
    ‘Okay. Clue Two,’ Tanner said.
    Picture me: I’m crazy about you
    My future is anything but hazy with you
    You took me here so I could hear you chat
    About your boyhood adventures: crummy jeans and visor hat
    Screw everyone else, for us they’re all ditched
    And let’s sneak a kiss … pretend we just got hitched .
    ‘This is Hannibal,’ I said. ‘Amy and I visited there once, so that’s how I read it, but it’s also another place where I had … relations with Andie.’
    ‘And you didn’t get a red flag?’ Tanner said.
    ‘No, not yet, I was too moony about the notes Amy had written me. God, the girl knows me cold. She knows exactly what I want to