Gone Girl

insisted on; Mama Mo does not insist. She simply makes things a reality by assuming they are such: From the first morning after the move, when she appeared on our doorstep with a welcome-home egg scramble and a family pack of toilet paper (which didn’t speak well for the egg scramble), she’d spoken of the housewarming as if it were a fact. So when do you want to do your housewarming? Have you thought about who I should invite to the housewarming? Do you want a housewarming or something fun, like a stock-the-bar party? But a traditional housewarming is always nice .
    And then suddenly there was a date, and the date was today, and Dunne family and friends were shaking off the October drizzle from umbrellas and carefully, conscientiously wiping their feet on the floor mat Maureen had brought for us this morning. The rug says: All Are Friends Who Enter Here . It is from Costco. I have learned about bulk shopping in my four weeks as a Mississippi River resident. Republicans go to Sam’s Club, Democrats go to Costco. But everyone buys bulk because – unlike Manhattanites – they all have space to store twenty-four jars of sweet pickles. And – unlike Manhattanites – they all have uses for twenty-four jars of sweet pickles. (No gathering is complete without a lazy Susan full of pickles and Spanish olives right from the jar. And a salt lick.)
    I set the scene: It is one of those big-smelling days, when people bring the outdoors in with them, the scent of rain on their sleeves, in their hair. The older women – Maureen’s friends – present varying food items in plastic, dishwasher-safe containers they will later ask to be returned. And ask and ask. I know, now, that I am supposed to wash out the containers and drop each of them back by their proper homes – a Ziploc carpool – but when I first came here, I was unaware of the protocol. I dutifully recycled all the plastic containers, and so I had to go buy all new ones. Maureen’s best friend, Vicky, immediately noticed her container was brand-new, store-bought, an imposter, and when I explained my confusion, she widened her eyes in amazement: So that’s how they do it in New York .
    But the housewarming: The older women are Maureen’s friends from long-ago PTA meetings, from book clubs, from the Shoe-Be-Doo-Be at the mall, where she spent forty hours a week slipping sensible block heels onto women of a certain age. (She can size a foot on sight – women’s 8, narrow! – it’s her go-to party trick.) AllMo’s friends love Nick, and they all have stories about sweet things Nick has done for them over the years.
    The younger women, the women representing the pool of possible Amy-friends, all sport the same bleached-blond wedge haircut, the same slip-on mules. They are the daughters of Maureen’s friends, and they all love Nick, and they all have stories about sweet things Nick has done for them over the years. Most of them are out of work from the mall closings, or their husbands are out of work from the mall closings, so they all offer me recipes for ‘cheap and easy eats’ that usually involve a casserole made from canned soup, butter, and a snack chip.
    The men are nice and quiet and hunker in circles, talking about sports and smiling benevolently toward me.
    Everyone is nice. They are literally as nice as they can be . Maureen, the tristate’s hardiest cancer patient, introduces me to all her friends the same way you’d show off a slightly dangerous new pet: ‘This is Nick’s wife, Amy, who was born and raised in New York City.’ And her friends, plump and welcoming, immediately suffer some strange Tourettesian episode: They repeat the words – New York City ! – with clasped hands and say something that defies response: That must have been neat . Or, in reedy voices, they sing ‘ New York, New York ,’ rocking side to side with tiny jazz hands. Maureen’s friend from the shoe store, Barb, drawls ‘ Nue York Ceety ! Get a rope,’ and when I squint at her in confusion, she says, ‘Oh, it’s from that old salsa commercial!’ and when I still fail to connect, she blushes, puts a hand on my arm, and says, ‘I wouldn’t really hang you.’
    Ultimately, everyone trails off into giggles and confesses they’ve never been to New York. Or that they’ve been – once – and didn’t care for it much. Then I say something like: You’d like it or It’s definitely not for everyone or Mmm , because I’ve run out of things to say.
    ‘Be