Gone Girl

burbling inthe background. ‘I need you to tell me. Did you know Amy was pregnant?’
    I paused, trying to find the right way to phrase it, the unlikelihood of a pregnancy.
    ‘Answer me, goddammit!’
    Rand’s volume made me get quieter. I spoke in a soft, soothing voice, a voice wearing a cardigan. ‘Amy and I were not trying to get pregnant. She didn’t want to be pregnant, Rand, I don’t know if she ever was going to be. We weren’t even … we weren’t even having relations that often. I’d be … very surprised if she was pregnant.’
    ‘Noelle said Amy visited the doctor to confirm the pregnancy. The police already submitted a subpoena for the records. We’ll know tonight.’
    I found Go in the living room, sitting with a cup of cold coffee at my mother’s card table. She turned toward me just enough to show she knew I was there, but she didn’t let me see me her face.
    ‘Why do you keep lying, Nick?’ she asked. ‘The Elliotts are not your enemy. Shouldn’t you at least tell them that it was you who didn’t want kids? Why make Amy look like the bad guy?’
    I swallowed the rage again. My stomach was hot with it. ‘I’m exhausted, Go. Goddamn. We gotta do this now?’
    ‘We gonna find a time that’s better?’
    ‘I did want kids. We tried for a while, no luck. We even started looking into fertility treatments. But then Amy decided she didn’t want kids.’
    ‘You told me you didn’t.’
    ‘I was trying to put a good face on it.’
    ‘Oh, awesome, another lie,’ Go said. ‘I didn’t realize you were such a … What you’re saying, Nick, it makes no sense. I was there, at the dinner to celebrate The Bar, and Mom misunderstood, she thought you guys were announcing that you were pregnant, and it made Amy cry.’
    ‘Well, I can’t explain everything Amy ever did, Go. I don’t know why, a fucking year ago, she cried like that. Okay?’
    Go sat quietly, the orange of the streetlight creating a rock-star halo around her profile. ‘This is going to be a real test for you, Nick,’ she murmured, not looking at me. ‘You’ve always had trouble with the truth – you always do the little fib if you think it will avoid a real argument. You’ve always gone the easy way. Tell Mom you went to baseball practice when you really quit the team; tell Momyou went to church when you were at a movie. It’s some weird compulsion.’
    ‘This is very different from baseball, Go.’
    ‘It’s a lot different. But you’re still fibbing like a little boy. You’re still desperate to have everyone think you’re perfect. You never want to be the bad guy. So you tell Amy’s parents she didn’t want kids. You don’t tell me you’re cheating on your wife. You swear the credit cards in your name aren’t yours, you swear you were hanging out at a beach when you hate the beach, you swear your marriage was happy. I just don’t know what to believe right now.’
    ‘You’re kidding, right?’
    ‘Since Amy has disappeared, all you’ve done is lie. It makes me worry. About what’s going on.’
    Complete silence for a moment.
    ‘Go, are you saying what I think you’re saying? Because if you are, something has fucking died between us.’
    ‘Remember that game you always played with Mom when we were little: Would you still love me if? Would you still love me if I smacked Go? Would you still love me if I robbed a bank? Would you still love me if I killed someone?’
    I said nothing. My breath was coming too fast.
    ‘I would still love you,’ Go said.
    ‘Go, do you really need me to say it?’
    She stayed silent.
    ‘I did not kill Amy.’
    She stayed silent.
    ‘Do you believe me?’ I asked.
    ‘I love you.’
    She put her hand on my shoulder and went to her bedroom, shut the door. I waited to see the light go on in the room, but it stayed dark.
    Two seconds later, my cell phone rang. This time, it was the disposable cell that I needed to get rid of and couldn’t because I always, always, always had to pick up for Andie. Once a day, Nick. We need to talk once a day .
    I realized I was grinding my teeth.
    I took a breath.
    Far out on the edge of town were the remains of an Old West fort that was now yet another park that no one ever went to. All that was left was the two-story wooden watchtower, surrounded byrusted swing sets and teeter-totters. Andie and I had met there once, groping each other inside the shade of the watchtower.
    I did three long loops around town in my mom’s old car to be