Grime and Punishment

going to wonder why.“
    “So what? I don’t care if they know she’s a husband-stealing slut.“
    “I’m not so sure. It’s fine to make her look as bad as she is, but think what it’ll make you look like.”
    Jane stared at the ragged Christmas trees. A crow had landed on the top of one and was swaying back and forth drunkenly. “Do you have any cigarettes along?“
    “I brought yours. Here.”
    Jane lit a cigarette, coughed, and rolled down the car window to throw it out. “That tastes awful. I see what you mean about Joyce. She’d look like trash, which she is, but I’d look pitiful, like just what I am—a woman who couldn’t keep her husband’s interest and lost him to a neighbor.“
    “Right. It’s sort of noble and tragic and romantic to be a widow. At least no one blames you for it or thinks less of you. But, a deserted wife? You know how people are. They’d start wondering what Joyce had that you didn’t.“
    “That’s what I’m wondering too.“
    “Oh, Jane! Don’t say that. You need to start getting out in the world a bit more. Meeting men who can reassure you of all your good qualities that Steve had gotten too familiar with to appreciate.”
    Jane scrubbed at her damp face with the crumpled tissue. “That’s nice of you to say. But—“ She glanced at her watch. “Where I need to get now is home. The kids’ll be there in a few minutes and they’ll wonder where I am. I like to be home when they get there.“
    “What are you going to do about Joyce?“
    “Nothing. Yet. I’m just going to avoid her and let her stew in her own juices while I make up my mind.“
    “That’s the way, Jane. You know, right now, I think she’s even more miserable than you are.”
    “I hope so. God, I hope so!“
    “Want me to drive you home?“
    “Thanks. I’m fine now. No, I’m no such thing. But I can drive. I want to clean up my face before the kids see me. I don’t want them to think anything is wrong.”
    Shelley took her hand, patted it, then got out of the car and stood waving as she drove away. Jane hurried home, feeling a little better. Not happier, but somehow purged. She parked and dashed into the house. The phone was ringing, but she ignored it and ran upstairs. She flung her purse toward the bed as she dashed into the bathroom. She washed her face in warm water, then sponged her red eyes with cold. Carefully, she put on fresh make-up and combed her hair. Studying herself in the mirror, she said, “Not too bad.”
    She went back into the bedroom and picked up her purse. An object in the middle of the bed caught her eye. A piece of paper with something on top. She stepped around the side of the bed to reach for it, then drew her hand back with a cry.
    The note said, “MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.”
    The new paring knife was driven through the paper and into the mattress.

Nineteen

    Jane opened her lingerie drawer and threw an armload of underwear over the paring knife and note so that the children wouldn’t see it if they came in. It would look like she’d been sorting laundry. Then she closed the bedroom door.
    They’d be here any minute. Panic rose in her throat like a bubble. After taking a few long breaths, she dialed Shelley’s number, but it rang six times without an answer. Jane hung up when Katie came to the door.
    “What are you doing with your door shut, Mom?“
    “Oh, was it shut?“ Jane said, forcing a smile that made her lips hurt.
    “Mom, you’re acting weird. Jenny’s mom is waiting. If it’s okay with you, she said Jenny and I could go with her to watch her get her hair frosted. Okay? I’ll be back in time for dinner, and I don’t have any homework. How do you think I’d look with my hair frosted?”
    Jane reached for her purse and took out a twenty-dollar bill. “Here, why don’t you treat Jenny and her mom to dinner at the mall?“
    “Huh?“ Katie stared at the money as if it might bite. “You’re giving me this and I didn’t even ask?“
    “Yes, now go. Go.“
    “Oh-kay!”
    Jane closed the bedroom door again and followed Katie downstairs. Mike was just coming in. He dumped his backpack full of books on top of Katie’s on the kitchen floor. “Listen, Mom, a bunch of the guys asked me to play a little basketball and go for pizza. Do you care?“
    “No, that’s fine.”
    He had his mouth open, ready to launch into an argument on behalf of his plans. “Hey, you sick or something? You look kinda pale.“
    “Just tired,“ she