Hammered

for a Smithwick’s; Jesus thought it was a good day for a Guinness. We both ordered the famous fish and chips, and I asked to see the whiskey menu.
    » They have a menu specifically for whiskey? « Jesus said.
    » Oh, yeah, and it’s amazing stuff. They have some liquid courage back there that’s over sixty years old. Want to do a shot with me? «
    » No, I’d better not, « Jesus said, waving his palms crosswise in front of him.
    » Aw, come on, I’m buying. «
    He paused, then said, » Well, all right, I suppose it’ll be a new experience. «
    Awesome! I’d just bullied Jesus into doing a shot with me. Nobody would ever believe it, but I didn’t care. We ordered the insanely expensive stuff, seventy-five dollars for a 1.75-ounce pour of premium Irish whiskey, because if you’re doing a shot with Jesus, you don’t buy him scotch. We raised our glasses to Irish brewers everywhere, and the smoky liquid burned us smoothly as it fell down our throats.
    » Wooo! « he said, slamming his shot glass down and coughing a bit. » That’s good stuff. «
    I agreed heartily. » Shall we do another one? « I asked.
    » Oh, no, « Jesus said quietly, his eyes growing round. » This is one of those situations where I have to stop and ask myself, what would I do? «
    I laughed and clapped him on the shoulder, and after adding considerable varnish to the idea of seeking out new experiences, we set aside the idea of shooting more whiskey and settled instead on pounding a couple of Irish Car Bombs, because he had never pounded one before.
    We were pleasantly pickled by the time our fish and chips arrived, and we tucked in right away to try to absorb a little bit of the alcohol.
    Jesus made yummy noises after a couple of bites and said, » Now, this right here is food for the gods. «
    » Really? Did you mean to use the plural? «
    Jesus winced. » Am I that transparent? I used to whip out these awesome parables on the spot, tied ministers up in knots for centuries trying to explain them to their flocks, but put a couple of drinks in me and I lose all subtlety. «
    » So you want to talk to me about the gods. «
    » One in particular, actually, but, yes, « he said, dipping a chip into a pool of ketchup. He noshed on it for a moment before continuing. » These are just too good. I think everyone should give them a try, don’t you? «
    » The world would be a happier place, I cannot deny it. «
    » Done, « Jesus said.
    » Beg your pardon? What’s done? «
    » Hey! « a man sitting two seats down to my left exclaimed. » Where’d these fish and chips come from? I didn’t order these. «
    » Me neither, « a young woman said, sitting behind us in the dining room with a male friend. » But it looks like we both got some. «
    Other patrons were all discovering that they had fish and chips on their tables that they had not ordered and could not remember their waiter delivering. The wait-staff gradually became aware that customers had food on their tables that hadn’t been added to the bill. They asked one another who delivered them, then disappeared into the kitchen to ask the cook to explain, and shortly came back out looking for the manager. It was all very odd. I turned back to Jesus and he had a small smile on his face.
    » You’re looking a bit smug there, « I observed with a grin.
    » Miracles are so much more fun when people aren’t expecting them of you. «
    » Yes, I’ve often amused myself with some mischievous bindings for the same reason. «
    The Prince of Peace chuckled and said, » I know. Now, where was I? Oh, yes! The god I wish to speak to you about is Thor. You and some confederates are planning to kill him, yes? «
    » Well, um, « I said, caught off guard. » Yeah, « I finished lamely. It’s not the sort of thing I would normally admit, but you can’t lie to Jesus. » Though I’m hoping to confine my participation to serving as a sort of extraplanar taxi service. I’m the get-there-and-getaway car. I’m not really interested in killing him. «
    » I tell you truly, it is an unwise course of action, and it were best for you to set it aside. «
    » You are concerned about my personal welfare? «
    » Yes, that is part of it. In most of the futures I see, you do not survive. «
    That statement nearly sobered me up all by itself. I put a brave face on it and said, » Well, I’ve had a pretty good run at surviving. I think I’ll be okay. «
    » Ah. « Jesus nodded, pausing to chew his fish before