Hammered

say a few words in my defense? « I asked. » I missed the trial? «
    » Nothing you say can deny your actions, « the rabbi snarled.
    » I don’t want to deny them; I want you to appreciate them properly. I’m not in league with demons—I’ve been killing them. I even killed a fallen angel. Ask Jesus here; he wouldn’t lie to you. «
    » Enough mockery. « He turned his head a bit to one side, addressing his companions behind him. » Begin. «
    » But you don’t understand, « I said, gesturing to the handsome man on my left. » I’ve truly found Jesus. «
    The host ducked away to call over a bouncer and maybe the police. Customers in the restaurant were dropping money on their tables and exiting out the back, where they could leave through the patio and access the parking lot. The manager emerged through the kitchen door and stood behind the bar, finally aware that something untoward was happening.
    » Now what’s going on? « he said in exasperation. He was still trying to solve the mystery of the multiplying fish and chips. He looked like the sort who’d start a revolution against the bloody Brits, but he ruined all possible menace (and dignity) he would have otherwise possessed by wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt.
    Flanagan bobbed his red nose at the Kabbalists and said, » Those boys in black over there want a piece of Atticus. «
    » Well, take it outside! « the manager yelled. The Hammers of God weren’t listening. They had taken silver amulets out of their pockets and held them in their raised open palms. They chanted in Hebrew, and the amulets flashed in their hands: » Yahweh, shema koleinu bishe’at hatzorkheinu. Natan lanu koakh l’nakot et oyveikha bishemekha. « I caught less of that, but it sounded like they were asking God to give them strength—and I think there was something in there about smiting. When the flash faded, the amulets still glowed with a pearlescent sheen. The Kabbalists closed their fists around them and their hands began to pulse redly, like when you put a flashlight behind your palm at night. Then, in concert, they lunged forward on their left legs and threw a punch with their glowing right fists—from all the way across the room—and yelled » Tzedek! « (That meant » justice. « )
    My cold iron amulet sank into my flesh as if a safe had fallen on it, and I was plowed backward into the bar and cracked my spine painfully. » OW! « I cried. Jesus laughed loudly and slapped his thigh.
    » Hey, that wasn’t funny, « I complained, rubbing my back. That blow had clearly been intended to take my head off or punch a hole through my chest—or something equally fatal.
    » Are you kidding? I haven’t seen combined channeling like that in a long time. Say what you want about their motives, Atticus, but that was cool. «
    I scowled at him. » Did you give them the power for that? «
    Christ grinned. » Nah, they’re running on Yahweh juice. You heard them. «
    » But aren’t you supposed to be …? «
    » Oh, sure, to Christians I am. But not to these guys. Their conception of Yahweh is very different from a Christian’s, so they’re talking to a different god. Check it out, things are starting to get hairy. «
    He was speaking quite literally. The Kabbalists didn’t look surprised or dismayed that I was still around. If anything, they looked more determined to give me ouchies. The beards of Yosef and the two Kabbalists immediately flanking him were lengthening and threading themselves into tentacular appendages anchored to their jaws, two on either side of their chins. They knotted and hardened into clouts first, then began to glide through the air toward me, about as fast as a man would walk at a leisurely pace. I’d have plenty of time to duck, but it was far, far in excess of the normal growth rate for beards. Once that registered with the remaining customers, they lost all pretense of behaving calmly in a crisis. There was a general exodus for the patio, with more than a few panicked squeals and impolite requests to get out of the way.
    The manager objected and gave chase. » Oi! Pay first, then run away screaming if you want! «
    » That’s it, « Flanagan said, his thick hands gripping the bar and his eyes wide. » I’m getting back on the wagon and I’m never getting off again. Oh, Jesus, look at that. «
    » I’m looking, « Jesus said. Flanagan flicked an annoyed glance at him but quickly returned his horrified eyes to the facial hair advancing down the