How to be a Brit

from Framlingham. Now, Mrs Spooner, which would you
say is the whiter of these two pairs of knickers?
    mrs
spooner: This
one.
    announcer:
You are
perfectly right, Mrs Spooner. That is the one washed in pride. So you don’t get your five pounds, Mrs Spooner — no fear.
Nevertheless, ladies and gentlemen, just go on using bubu. Who likes that blinding, ugly, vulgar whiteness, in any
case? After all, people don’t see your knickers. At least they shouldn’t. bubu washes greyest.
     
    Or, just moderate your
language. Make no extravagant claims; be vague and incoherent; in other words
natural.
     
    cranfield chocolate is
rather nourishing. Never mind the taste.
     
    Or:
     
    Drink danford’s beer. It’s dirt cheap and you can get used to it.
     
    Or else:
     
    Can you tell the difference
between our margarine and our hair tonic? we can’t.

ON POLITICS
     
    The fundamental concept of
British political life is the two-party system. The essence of the two-party
system is that there are either 358 parties or one; but never, in any
circumstances, are there two. To explain: both parties reflect such a vast
spectrum of opinion from left to right that the left wings of both parties are
poles apart from their right wings and in no other country would politicians
ideologically so remote from each other even dream of belonging to the same
political organizations. In the two main parties — with the Liberals thrown in
for good measure — there is enough raw material — I have just checked it again
— for 358½ parties. (The half being a minor group which advocates the
nationalization of the button-manufacturing industry in so far as it consists
of firms employing more than 33.7 workers. The .7 of a worker is, of course, on
part-time.)
    Or else, as I have
mentioned, you may say that while the Labour Party has a few real leftists and
the Tories a few real rightists (and vice versa), the rest of the two parties
simply overlap and one single party would do quite adequately instead of two.
In many cases it is really just a toss-up whether Mr X or Mr Y joins this party
or that. To cross and recross the floor of the House is not unheard-of; it does
not necessarily ruin your chances within your own party. Sir Winston Churchill,
for example, managed reasonably well in the Conservative Party after his
temporary absence in the ranks of their rivals. (There is nothing illogical in
this. My whole point is: in most cases it does not really matter which party
you belong to.)
    The period after 1945 was
exceptional. Then the Labour Party really had a programme (I personally believe
an admirable one) and carried it out. The trouble was that they did not have enough programme and used up the little they had too quickly. Then they started
scratching their heads in embarrassment: what to do next? While scratching,
they fell from power and then a 1066-ish period started for them. I do not
refer to the actual period of the Norman conquest; I refer to the book 1066
and All That. A violent dispute ensued (on various levels of intelligence
and literacy) on whether nationalization was a Good Thing or a Bad Thing.
Whether it was better to be Leftist than to be in Power? Whether a change to a
Tory programme would ensure, at last, a Labour victory?
    While dispute is still
raging and while some Socialists are still trying to convince one another that
their leader would be more at home in the Tory Party, the Tories are carrying
on a normal and by no means extremist Socialist policy. They speak of the
blessings of the Welfare State as if they had not opposed it tooth and nail;
they assure us in all their manifestos that they are doing more for the poor,
the old-age pensioners, the down-trodden, the workers, the underdog and even
now and then for the overdogs such as the landlords, than Labour ever did. In
other words, they are riding on the crest of world prosperity — and they are
pretty good riders.

    And while the Tories are
trying to establish a mild, non-Marxist, faintly paternal Socialist regime, the
House of Lords is being filled up with Socialist peers. A lord becoming a Socialist
would be a normal phenomenon in any country; for a Socialist to become a lord
would be nonsense anywhere else. It is absolute nonsense in England, too, but
absolute nonsense is the normal run of things here. Indeed, the customary
reward for a life spent in determined fight against privilege, seems to be an
elevation to the peerage. If you go into the House of Lords and