How to be a Brit

contemplate
Lords Attlee, Morrison, Alexander, Silkin, Dalton, Shaw-cross, Lucan, Burden,
Kershaw, Haden-Guest, etc., all in one row, you are at first a little
perplexed. Then suddenly you may realize — as I did — the devilish pattern
behind it all. The Labour Party, for once, is being really Machiavellian. As
they are obviously, or so it seems, unable to take over from the Conservatives
through elections, they enforce a Changing of the Guard by more subtle methods:
they let the Tories carry out a Socialist policy in the Commons while they
gradually and almost unnoticed form the new aristocracy and gain a majority in
the House of Lords.

HOW TO STOP ROAD TRAFFIC
     
    The greatest change in my
twenty-one years is the way Britain has become motorized. When I first came
only a rich person could afford a car; today only a rich person can afford to
be without one.
    This motorization has
developed into a war between the motorists and the authorities. A feature of
other wars is mobilization; the main feature of this one is immobilization.
    The conduct of the war
itself clearly reflects British genius at its best. The authorities were quick
enough to discover that cars are a menace and a nuisance and should be stopped
at all costs. So the Police, the Ministry of Transport, local authorities and
quite a few other bodies joined forces to form a secret society under the name
of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Motor Transport.
    Each constituent body of
the R.S.P.M.T. has its own function in the society’s stratagem. The general
idea is to make roads and streets impassable and bring traffic to a standstill
in the shortest possible time and thus free us from the danger of motor traffic
for ever. The Ministry of Transport’s job is to deprive the country not only of
motorways — as is generally believed — but of all sorts of roads. This
aim is achieved by the devices known as (1) road-building, (2) road repairs and
(3) improving the Highway Code which is, in fact, a clever way of spreading
confusion.
    1. The Minister of
Standstill — as he is commonly referred to in R.S.P.M.T. circles — in spite of
occasional flurries of activity and waves of self-advertisement — has various
means at his disposal for preventing road-building. The laws of the land are,
of course, of the utmost help; also the administrative methods: several hundred
local authorities can cause larger and healthier confusion than the Ministry
could by its own unaided efforts, efficient though the Ministry is.
    Everyone in England is
clamouring for more roads through the other fellow’s land and skirting other
people’s towns — your own land and immediate neighbourhood being, of course,
sacred and exempt.
    So the first seven years of
any road-building programme are taken up with appeals against the plan by those
who desperately want more roads. If, in spite of its efforts, the Ministry
cannot prevent the sporadic conclusion of a small stretch of motorway here and
there, it need not lose heart. To accept defeat would not be the British way.
There are two main methods of retaliation:
    a. If, in spite of every
effort, a stretch of motorway is actually opened, it should be closed again as
soon after the ceremonial opening as political considerations permit;
    b. if you cannot prevent
traffic on the motorway itself, block it at the entrances and exits.
    2. Road repair is an even
more effective way of driving motorists insane. Under the excuse of ‘keeping
the road in good repair’, half the roads and streets of England may be
constantly blocked, closed, halved, quartered, made one-way, etc. A secret
order of the Ministry of Standstill reads:
     
    Inasmuch as after seven or
eight years of strenuous work, minor road-repairs must unfortunately be
terminated, the cooperation of the local authorities is now sought. As soon as
the road is covered by the new asphalt, but before it dries it is to be torn up
again by the gas authorities; the same procedure is to be repeated by the Water
Board authorities; by telephone linesmen; by the Sanitary authorities; by the
Inland Revenue; by the local education authorities; by the Chelsea Pensioners.
As soon as the last-named body has completed operations, ordinary road-repairs
may safely recommence.
     
    3. Another trick of the
Minister of Standstill is to spread confusion, alarm and despondency among the
ranks of motorists. Not long ago, for example, the Minister decided to clarify the rules of priority on the