How to be a Brit

voice told Hitler: ‘Colonies? No, you cannot have colonies. As a matter
of fact, no one can have colonies any more.’
    The change on this matter
was as thorough as that in people’s attitude to female nakedness. But at least
between the times when a Victorian lady could not be persuaded to show her
ankles and the times when a neo-Elizabethan lady could not be persuaded to
cover up her breasts, a whole century passed. But it took only a few short
years for nations to cover up their colonies with a blush, hide their
dominions, apologise humbly for their former mistake of running a disorderly
Empire and living on the earnings of its natives. So-called freedom and
independence was granted to all and sundry whether they wanted it or not.
    No doubt it is the speed
with which it happened that has made losing an Empire a bit of a shock. It is
like an individual losing a limb. You can’t help getting used to your left foot
and you do miss it when you have to part with it. But people react to such a
disaster in diverse ways. Some people become bitter and full of hatred and
blame others, starting with God, for their misfortune. Others, who have lost a
hand, are determined to show that they can become virtuoso piano-players (like
Ravel’s famous friend) or become football players without legs (like a young
and admirably brave little boy I know). Others despair and come to the
conclusion that life is not worth living any more. Others look at their tragedy
wisely and realise that the dreadful loss is also — like all losses — a gain:
you can discover certain aspects, beauties and values in life which would have
remained undiscovered but for your misfortune. If you are wise enough you will
accept your limitations and turn to new fields in search of new satisfactions.
A legless man may be wiser, more intelligent, better educated, more widely
read, a better chess player and a more knowledgeable stamp-collector than a man
with two legs; but he will not be able to run faster.
    >
    If you want to become a
modem Englishman you must make up your mind which of the main groups you wish
to join.
    1. The Colditz Group. This group holds that Empire or no Empire, we are still top nation. We licked
those bloody Nazis single handed (except that we did not). Never mind that the
pound is slipping, it is Colditz that counts. The German economy may be
powerful and we may be beggars or at least borrowers (what’s the difference?)
but so what? During the war (which ended over thirty years ago, about the
length of time that passed between Napoleon and the Crimean War, another era in
history), well, during the war the brilliant British outwitted those dull
Germans. The Germans were brutal, coarse, cruel and dimwitted; the British
noble, heroic, indomitable, and gallant. If you doubt this, read any trashy
novel or watch even trashier films on television. You can see two a day. It was
our finest hour. We — the Colditz Group — want to live that finest hour
forever. Yes we want to escape from something — as everybody in Colditz was
always escaping.
    2. The Palmerston Group. Or you may maintain — as
millions do — that absolutely nothing has, in fact, changed. Queen Victoria is
still on the throne, Lord Palmerston is still our Foreign Secretary.
Recalcitrant tribal chiefs will be birched and — in the case of grave unrest —
gunboats dispatched. Some members of this group may have noticed that we do not
have India any more; but we still have Gibraltar, Hong Kong and the Falkland
Islands. World-wide responsibilities.
    Palmerstonians look down
with a superior but condescendingly benevolent smile on all other nations.
Foreigners are still funny. The Germans have a silly language, whoever heard of
putting the predicate always at the end of the sentence? The Americans are even
more laughable — they speak English with an American accent, not in our
distinguished Cockney or Geordie. The Chinese are Chinks, the Japanese Japs,
the Germans are Krauts.
    All is well, really the
main problem is to keep poor, sick Albert alive because our good Queen Victoria
would be very upset if he died.
    Only the British are real
people, who can be respected, with a few exceptions who are no good at all:
    a) the working classes;
    b) the
lower-middle-classes;
    c) business-people,
executives and all people in trade;
    d) black people;
    e) brown people;
    f) Jews;
    g) foreigners;
    h) Londoners and other
city-dwellers (if you live in the country); and
    i) country