In One Person

mine, but if you’re not experienced, you can’t really estimate the size of someone’s penis—not if you can’t see it. “I thought that a library would be a fairly safe and forgiving place for a man who was on his way to becoming a woman,” Miss Frost continued. “I even knew
which
library I wanted to work in—the very same academy library where those old yearbooks are, William. I thought: What other library would appreciate me as much as my old school library? I’d been a good student at Favorite River, and I’d been a
very
good wrestler—not so good by Pennsylvania standards, maybe, but I’d been very good in New England. Of course, when I came back to First Sister
as a woman
, Favorite River Academy wanted nothing to do with someone like me—not around all those
impressionable
boys! Everyone is naïve about something, William, and I was naïve about that. I knew my old school had liked me when I was Big Al; I was naïve enough to be unprepared for them
not
liking me as
Miss
Frost. It was only because your grandpa Harry was on the board of the town library —this funny old public library, where I was
way
overqualified to be the librarian—that they gave me the job here.”
    “But why did you want to stay here in First Sister—
or
be at Favorite River Academy, which you say yourself is an
awful
school?” I asked her.
    I was only eighteen, but I already never wanted to come back to Favorite River Academy or the Podunk town of First Sister, Vermont. I couldn’t wait to get away, to be somewhere—to be
anywhere
—where I could have sex with whomever I wanted to, without being stared at and judged by all these overly familiar people who presumed they
knew
me!
    “I have an ailing parent, William,” Miss Frost explained. “My father died the year I started at Favorite River Academy; if he hadn’t passed away, my becoming a woman probably would have killed him. But my mother hasn’t been healthy for quite some time; I barely got through college because of my mother’s health problems. She’s one of those people who’s been sick so long that if she ever got well, she wouldn’t know she was cured. She’s sick in her
mind
, William; she doesn’t even
notice
that I’m a woman, or maybe she doesn’t remember that her little boy was
ever
a man. I’m sure she doesn’t remember that she used to have a little boy.”
    “Oh.”
    “Your grandpa Harry used to employ my dad. Harry knew I was the one who took care of my mom. That’s the only reason I had to come back to First Sister—whether Favorite River Academy would have me or not, William.”
    “I’m sorry,” I said.
    “Oh, it’s not so bad,” Miss Frost replied, in that
acting
way. “Small towns may revile you, but they have to keep you—they can’t turn you away. And I got to meet
you
, William. Who knows? Perhaps I’ll be remembered as the crazy cross-dressing librarian who got you
started
as a writer. You have started, haven’t you?” she asked me.
    But the story of her life, so far, seemed extraordinarily unhappy to me. While I went on touching her penis through that pearl-gray half-slip, I thought about
Giovanni’s Room
, which was all wrapped up in Elaine’s bra, under my pillow, and I said, “I
loved
the James Baldwin novel. I didn’t bring it back to the library because I wanted to lend it to Tom Atkins. He and I have talked about it—I think he would love
Giovanni’s Room
, too. Is it all right with you if I lend it to him?”
    “Is
Giovanni’s Room
in your book bag, William?” Miss Frost asked me suddenly. “Where is the actual book right now?”
    “It’s at home,” I told her. I was suddenly afraid to say it was under my pillow—not to mention that the novel was in contact with Elaine Hadley’s padded pearl-gray bra.
    “You mustn’t leave that novel at home,” Miss Frost told me. “Of course you can lend it to Tom. But tell Tom not to let his roommate see it.”
    “I don’t know who Atkins has for a roommate,” I told her.
    “It doesn’t matter who Tom’s roommate
is
—just don’t let the roommate see that novel. I told you not to let your mother—or Richard Abbott—see it. If I were you, I wouldn’t even let your grandpa Harry know you have it.”
    “Grandpa knows I have a crush on Kittredge,” I said to Miss Frost. “Nobody but you knows I have a crush on
you
,” I told her.
    “I hope you’re right about that, William,” she whispered. She bent over me and put my penis in her