In the Midst of Life

daily task or good intentions (telephoning old friends etc.) So I spent several hours on the outline of this letter, my English having diminished like my mind!
Many many thanks for your letter, so beautifully handwritten. It has touched me because of your understanding reaction upon my intentions, And of course I was especially impressed by your announcement that you are preparing a new book with respect to peaceful and human release. In fact there are too many artificial prolongations, which I observed not only during my own stays in hospitals but also during long lasting cares of old friends. Not to forget my fiance, whosuffered a lot due to the consequences of his war-injuries (belly shoots). We had just installed our small appartment in Baden-Baden, when he started to spend most of the time in hospitals. During the last weeks of his life I remained every night with him in a Karlsruhe-hospital, taking an early train to my office in Baden-Baden. During these nights I observed how much he suffered. One morning I decided not to drive to my office but wait for the doctor in chief. I prayed to release him and glanced into understanding eyes - he became [gave] an injection I suppose of morphium. I stayed next to him all day long. At about noon-time my dear Hans took my hands reposed on his pillow and kissed them. ‘Es ist alles so schon mit dir’ (everything is so good with you) were his last words. Then he fell asleep, still breathing for several hours, before his final release.
Where are such physicians nowadays? In earlier times, where many people died at home, the ‘house-doctor’ released his patients from more suffering in due time.
Right you are, dear Jennifer, at the moment my ‘Suisse-endeavour’ seems unachievable. This organisation is confronted with different sorts of troubles parts of the due to plotting actions. So I have to look out for another way of release, at least what my house-wife obligations are concerned, also to release Eugen, who is still sacrificing so much time and money for me. He is 18 years jounger than me and must prepare his new life with his new girl-friend, 20 years jounger than I am. This is the better solution for his future. I have the impression that they will become an ideal couple, as soon as she achieves her pension-time in summer of next year. So I have started to visit old-people’s homes in Baden-B., but the achievable ones are still too expensive for me, and once again Eugen offered his financial help. But then I wood soon end up in hospitals again, because of the condition of my body. Recently they have discovered new metastasis, but after two cancer-operations I certainly would not agree to support a third one in my age of 82. Eugen repeats toujourthat I should stay in his appartment, and that he would always take care of me as much as possible in his new situatian of life. But I realise more and more that my mind is in permanent reduction as far as the sense of registration is concerned, I am still quite good in reaction and even in organising the necessities of household etc. But I am more and more troubled by my permanent trouble: Whom did I meet or talk to on the telephone to-day or yesterday what did we talk about, what did I see on the TV last night? I never swith arround, as many of my friends do. I choose beforehand out of the programm and then listen to these broadcasts with interest. But nevertheless!
The biggest trouble became my frightful emotions when I am allone. I remember now that it was the same with my father when he had about my age. My much jounger stepmother took attentively care of him, in spite of a younger friend and lover. When she married our father she was not so thoughtful and patient. She did not support any longer the step-daughters, only 6 and 8 years younger than herself. My sister and I left the house and so began the adventure of our life and professional possibilities.
Sorry for the length of my biography. To my excuse: The title of your book inspired me, and also your remark ‘Life is sweet – and death always fearful’. I cannot agree to this formulation. On my opinion life in age becomes more and more fearful and painful, and death is – at least for me – a hopeful aspect. One could endlessly discuss about different opinions, but you, my dear old friend, have the courage to resume them in book-form. Congratulations to your human engagement!
Finally many many thanks for the new CD’s of your last book-success. I have not