Kell's Legend

shot some Nazis. Wish I’d been there.
    Got a nickname?
    Jappo. It’s a long story. Oh yes, and there was one at school—Mugsy, after the old Melbourne House Spectrum game about gangsters. And, I believe, some cheeky monkey scamp kids used to call me Captain Ginger Beard when I was a teacher, bless their little cotton chainsaws.
    Tell us a joke
    It’s a rude one. It’s about this fat woman. And her fat husband…No, no, my reputation is already bad enough to kill a skunk at fifty yards, without making it worse. I’m trying to keep my big stupid mouth shut. I’m trying, anyway.
    Support a team?
    No. I believe football (soccer, haha) has become a pure game of pure money. An absolute business transaction!! And I do not subscribe to money unless it’s buying me a new motorbike.
    What do you sing in the shower
    I don’t sing. I scrub. I am a scrubber.
    Any notable pets?
    Yes, Samson, my big fat chocolate Labrador who starred in my first three Spiral books. He’s dead now, bless him, the stubborn teddy-shagging mongrel, but now I have an insane Border Collie called Fizz (notmy choice) who puts me to shame on technical ridge-lines at the top of mountains by bounding around like a mountain goat on mescaline whilst I cling in fear to the edges of high rocks. What a bitch.
    Earliest memory?
    Being naked in a paddling pool in Yugoslavia in 1976. The humiliation, I tell you! My mother has a photo. The bitch.
    First story you told?
    I was about 7 or 8. I wrote a novel called The Four-Headed Monster. It was about a Four-Headed Monster. I told it to the class. They were suitably impressed (as 7 and 8 year olds are by a Four-Headed Monster).
    First story you sold?
    My first novel, Spiral, to Orbit Books. Thank you, Tim Holman;-)
    What do you say when people ask “Where do you get your ideas from?”
    Ideas come from anywhere and everywhere, from books and films, conversations and sex, whisky and demons. You must mash it all up in a big pan, add a splash of rum, mix it with a Big Spoon™ and cook at 190 for about 1 hour 40 minutes. Then you may have the workings of a story.
    Do you have an unusual talent or skill?
    I can sword fight (really), am a superb cook (forget that amateur Ramsey bloke), and have been knownto wield a chainsaw. You’ve got to be careful with a chainsaw, though, because it is amoral and can easily cut off your own leg.
    Best place you ever visited?
    Kenya, Africa. Magical and surreal. Went on safari, and watching elephants coming to the watering hole at sunset has to rank up there with All Time Great Moments. It was highly amusing when a huge bull elephant took exception to the nearby watering hole dining experience, and charged at the couples enjoying a romantic meal—you’ve never seen fat people move so damn fast.
    Favourite building or structure?
    Peel Tower, Ramsbottom. My original cycling haunt. The times I’ve sat on those steps drinking coffee in the rain/snow/sleet and setting the world to rights with my mate, Jake. Eee. Those wer’t days, lad.
    What keeps you awake at night?
    My three year-old climbing into my bed, snuggling down, then spinning in slow circles ,methodically kicking me and my wife in the backs of our heads.
    The last time you cried?
    When my cat died, the nasty, feral, murdering, evil little torturer. Live by the sword, die by the sword, that’s what I say.
    If you weren’t a writer what would you be?
    I probably should have joined the army, but inreality I cannot just cannot respond to authority. So then. Maybe a doctor? I’m certainly a pharmaceutical expert and I do enjoy seeing people in pain.
    Favourite fancy dress costume?
    My well-used Halloween zombie costume. It’s easy. It’s comfortable. It’s full of rancid fake blood.
    Got an irritating/bad habit?
    I am a bad habit.
    Next book you’ll read?
    The latest Orcs novel by Stan Nicholls. His stuff is visceral, fast-paced, good fun—a bit like mine :-)
    Favourite word?
    “Cunt”. I just love how people get so upset by it. It’s just a word, right? And it is in the dictionary.
    Who plays you in the movie?
    Probably Vin Diesel. He certainly has more acting talent than me, but I feel that’s probably down to my incredible and awful wooden performance potential.
    And what’s the pivotal scene?
    Probably the bit when Vin pulls out the chainsaw to kill the bad guys/ save the world/ save his poisoned girlfriend, before riding off into a toxic LA sunset on an open-pipe Harley.
    We’re buying…what’re you