Kinder des Schicksals 4 (Xeelee 9): Resplendent

when
you see Hama.’
    I struggled to focus. ’So the pilots are idolised. We aren’t
supposed to have heroes.’
    ’Lethe, I never knew I was such a prig! Kid, there is more to war
than doctrinal observance. Anyhow what are the Sunrise pilots but the
highest exemplars of the ideals of the Expansion? A brief life burns
brightly, remember - Druz said it himself - and a Sunrise pilot puts
that into practice in the brightest, bravest way possible.’
    ’And,’ I said carefully, ’are you a hero to your crew?’
    She scowled at me. Her face was a mask of lines, grooves carved by
years into my own flesh. She had never looked less like me. ’I know
what you’re thinking. I’m too old, I should be ashamed even to be
alive. Listen to me. Ten years after this meeting, you will take part
in a battle around a neutron star called Kepler’s. Look it up. That’s
why your crew will respect you, for what you will achieve that day -
even though you won’t be lucky enough to die. And as for the chop
line, I don’t have a single regret. We struck a blow, damn it. I’m
talking about hope. That’s what those fucking Commissaries never
understand. Hope, and the needs of the human heart. That’s what I was
trying to deliver…’ Something seemed to go out of her. ’But none of
that matters now. I’ve come through another chop line, haven’t I?
Through a chop line in time, into the past, where I face
judgement.’
    ’I’m not assigned to judge you.’
    ’No. You do that for fun, don’t you?’
    I didn’t know what to say. I felt pinned. I loved her, and I hated
her, all at the same time. She must have felt the same way about me.
But we knew we couldn’t get away from each other. Perhaps it is never
possible for copies of the same person from two time slices ever to
get along. After all it’s not something we’ve evolved for.
    In silence we made our way back to Dakk’s wardroom. There, Tarco
was waiting for us.
     
    ’Buttface,’ he said formally.
    ’Lard bucket,’ I replied.
    On that ship from the future, in my own future wardroom, we stared
at each other, each of us baffled, maybe frightened. We hadn’t been
alone together, not once, since the news that we were to have a child
together. And even now Captain Dakk was sitting there like the
embodiment of destiny.
    Under the Druz Doctrines, love isn’t forbidden. But it’s not the
point. But then, I was learning, out here on the frontier, where
people died far from home, things were a little more complex than my
training and conditioning had indicated.
    I asked, ’What are you doing here?’
    ’You sent for me. Your future, smarter, better-looking self.’
    Captain Dakk said dryly, ’Obviously you two have - issues - to
discuss. But I’m afraid I can’t give you the time. Events are
pressing.’
    Tarco turned to face her. ’Then let’s get on with it, sir. Why did
you ask for me?’
    Dakk said, ’Navy intelligence have been analysing the records from
the Torch. They have begun the process of contacting those who will
serve on the ship - or their cadres, if they are infants or not yet
born - to inform them of their future assignments. It’s the
policy.’
    Tarco looked apprehensive. ’And that applies to me?’
    Dakk didn’t answer directly. ’There are protocols. When a ship
returns from action, it’s customary for the captain or senior
surviving officer to send letters of condolence to cadres who have
lost loved ones, or visit them.’
    Tarco nodded. ’I once accompanied Captain Iana on a series of
visits like that.’
    I said carefully, ’But in this case the action hasn’t happened
yet. Those who will die haven’t yet been assigned to the ship. Some
haven’t even been born.’
    ’Yes,’ Dakk said gently. ’But I have to write my letters even
so.’
    That was incomprehensible to me. ’Why? Nobody’s dead yet.’
    ’Because everybody wants to know, as much as we can tell them.
Would it be better to lie to them, or keep secrets?’
    ’How do they react?’
    ’How do you think? Ensign Tarco, what happened when you did the
rounds with Iana?’
    Tarco shrugged. ’Some took it as closure, I think. Some wept. Some
were angry, even threw us out. Others denied it was real… They all
wanted more information. How it happened, what it was for. Everyone
seemed to have a need to be told that those who had died had given
their lives for something worthwhile.’
    Dakk nodded. ’After a time hop you see all those reactions too.
Some won’t