Kushiel's Dart

of my grandfather, I place you all under the custody of the throne."
    So it was done.

FIFTY-EIGHT
    Hyacinthe had spoken truly: Ganelon de la Courcel, King of Terre d'Ange, died in three days' time.
    I have little firsthand knowledge of what it was like in those days, being cloistered in the Palace under the express care of Ysandre's personal guard. Some news we gained from them, and from her chirurgeon, who examined us, treating Joscelin's half-healed wounds and prescribing a rich diet to counter the toll of deprivation our long flight had taken, but for the most part, it felt as though I were confined in a dream, while the real world passed by me. We heard the mourning bells toll, that had not rung since I was a child at Cereus House. We saw the solemn faces of the guards, and their black armbands. For all of that, it seemed unreal to me.
    One thing was sure, though; I could feel the uneasiness of the City-and the greater realm beyond it-on my very skin. Although they knew not the true threat that awaited, reports of Skaldi invasion increased, and Isidore d'Aiglemort and a half-dozen other Camaeline nobles begged off attendance at the King's funeral and Ysandre's coronation, claiming they dared not leave the province unguarded.
    The coronation itself was a hasty affair; after so long, no one truly believed Ganelon would die and, too, illness had thinned the ranks of D'Angeline nobles as well as the common folk. There were five empty seats or more in Parliament alone. And among those who remained to fill them, there was grave mistrust of the worth of a young and untried Queen, who yet stood unwed and alone.
    These things I learned in some detail from Thelesis de Mornay, who was permitted to visit us. She continued to mend from her bout with the fever, but slowly, and I cringed to hear her wracking cough.
    Above all, I dreaded to hear word of Melisande Shahrizai. Though she was reported to be in Kusheth-one of the cousins, Fanchone, came bearing flowery condolences on the part of House Shahrizai-it was within the Palace walls that I had last encountered her, and it preyed on my mind in that place. I fingered her diamond that lay still at my throat, a talisman of vengeance, that somehow I dared not discard, and thought of her, too often. Survival in a hostile land takes up all of one's thought; now, I had too much time to think, and remember. I had withheld the signale , it was true, but with Delaunay's blood as good as on her hands, I had given up everything else. She had played me like a harp, and I had sung to her tune. I could not forget, and it sickened me.
    It was Joscelin who found a way out for me.
    He knew; he had walked with me into her hands, and been there when I'd awakened from it, retching and soul-sick. And he was that thing I ever forgot with Cassilines: A priest. What he said, he said somberly, not quite meeting my eyes.
    "Phedre, you give Elua his due, and Naamah, whose servant you are. But it is Kushiel who marked you, and Kushiel whose will you challenge when you despise what you are." He looked at me then, expression undecipherable. "You will break, to challenge the will of the immortals. I know, I have been at the verge of it, and it was you who drew me back. But I cannot help in this. Beg leave to attend the temple of Kushiel. They will accept your atonement."
    This I did, and Ysandre de la Courcel granted me leave, provided I went hooded in the attendance of her personal guard.
    Of that, I will say little. Those who have had need of Kushiel's harsh mercy know; those who have not, need not know. Of all of Elua's Companions, Kushiel's disciples can be trusted beyond death with their vows of secrecy. Were it not so, no one would atone. Even his priests wear robes and full bronze masks, so that their identity cannot be discerned, nor even their gender. They looked at my face through the eyeholes of their masks when I raised my hood, saw the mark of Kushiel's Dart, and took me in without question.
    It is a terrifying place, though a safe one, from all but the evil that one carries within oneself. I endured the rituals of purification, and then, cleansed and purged and stripped naked, knelt at the altar before the great bronze statue of Kushiel himself, serene and harsh, while two priests bound my wrists to the whipping-post. There I made my confession.
    And was scourged.
    I am what I am; I can say now without shame that I wept with release at the first blow of the flogger, the iron-tipped lashes