Lamb: the Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

“You’re on the edge of the Judean desert, one of the most lifeless, desolate, hostile places on earth, what did you expect?”
    “I don’t know.” Crustus shrugged. “More.”
    “Yeah, more,” said Abel. “What color is that?”
    “That’s brown.”
    “How about that one?”
    “That would be brown as well.”
    “That color over there? Right there?”
    “Brown.”
    “You’re sure that’s not mauve.”
    “Nope, brown.”
    “And—”
    “Brown,” I said.
    The two former blind guys shrugged and walked off mumbling to each other.
    “Excellent healing,” said Nathaniel.
    “I for one have never seen a better healing,” said Philip, “but then, I’m new.”
    Joshua rode off shaking his head.

    When we came into Cana we were broke and hungry and more than ready for a feast, at least most of us were. Joshua didn’t know about the feast. The wedding was being held in the courtyard of a very large house. We could hear the drums and singers and smell spiced meat cooking as we approached the gates. It was a large wedding and a couple of kids were waiting outside to tend to our camels. They were curly haired, wiry little guys about ten years old; they reminded me of evil versions of Josh and me at that age.
    “Sounds like a wedding going on,” Joshua said.
    “Park your camel, sir?” said the camel-parking kid.
    “It is a wedding,” said Bart. “I thought we were here to help Maggie.”
    “Park your camel, sir?” said the other kid, pulling on the reins of my camel.
    Joshua looked at me. “Where is Maggie? You said she was sick?”
    “She’s in the wedding,” I said, pulling the reins back from the kid.
    “You said she was dying.”
    “Well, we all are, aren’t we? I mean, if you think about it.” I grinned.
    “You can’t park that camel here, sir.”
    “Look, kid, I don’t have any money to tip you. Go away.” I hate handing my camel over to the camel-parking kids. It unnerves me. I’m always sure that I’m never going to see it again, or it’s going to come back with a tooth missing or an eye poked out.
    “So Maggie isn’t really dying?”
    “Hey, guys,” Maggie said, stepping out of the gate.
    “Maggie,” Joshua said, throwing his arms up in surprise. Problem was, he was so intent on looking at her that he forgot to grab on again, and off the camel he went. He hit the ground facedown with a thump and a wheeze. I jumped down from my camel, Bart’s dogs barked, Maggie ran to Josh, rolled him over, and cradled his head in her lap while he tried to get his breath back. Philip and Nathaniel waved to people from the wedding who were peeping through the gate to see what all the commotion was about. Before I had a chance to turn, the two kids had leapt up onto our camels and were galloping around the corner off to Nod, or South Dakota, or some other place I didn’t know the location of.
    “Maggie,” Joshua said. “You’re not sick.”
    “That depends,” she said, “if there’s any chance of a laying on of hands.”
    Joshua smiled and blushed. “I missed you.”
    “Me too,” Maggie said. She kissed Joshua on the lips and held him there until I started to squirm and the other disciples started to clear their throats and bark “get a room” under their breaths.
    Maggie stood up and helped Joshua to his feet. “Come on in, guys,” she said. “No dogs,” she said to Bart, and the hulking Cynic shrugged and sat down in the street amid his canine disciples.
    I was craning my neck to see if I could see where our camels had been taken. “They’re going to run those camels into the ground, and I know they won’t feed or water them.”
    “Who?” asked Maggie.
    “Those camel-parking boys.”
    “Biff, this is my youngest brother’s wedding. He couldn’t even afford wine. He didn’t hire any camel-parking boys.”
    Bartholomew stood and rallied his troops. “I’ll find them.” He lumbered off.

    Inside we feasted on beef and mutton, all manner of fruits and vegetables, bean and nut pastes, cheese and first-pressed olive oil with bread. There was singing and dancing and if it hadn’t been for a few old guys in the corner looking very cranky, you’d never have known that there wasn’t any wine at the party. When our people danced, they danced in large groups, lines and circles, not couples. There were men’s dances and women’s dances and very few dances where both could participate, which is why people were staring at Joshua and Maggie as they danced.