Lamb: the Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

chest and I fell over backward, unable to move. “Today’s lesson is—are you ready?”
    I grunted. It was all I could do. My mouth was paralyzed.
    “Today’s lesson is, if someone puts poison in your tea, don’t drink it.”
    “Uh-huh,” I sort of slurred.

    “So,” Balthasar said, “I see that Tiny Feet of the Divine Dance of Joyous Orgasm has revealed what she keeps in the little bottle around her neck.” The magus laughed heartily and leaned back on some cushions.
    “Is he dead?” asked Joshua.
    The girls laid my paralyzed body on some pillows next to Joshua, then propped me up so I could look at Balthasar. Beautiful Gate of Heavenly Moisture Number Six, who I had only just met and didn’t have a nickname for yet, put some drops on my eyes to keep them moist, as I seemed to have lost the ability to blink.
    “No,” said Balthasar, “he’s not dead. He’s just relaxed.”
    Joshua poked me in the ribs and, of course, I didn’t respond. “Really relaxed,” he said.
    Beautiful Gate of Heavenly Moisture Number Six handed Joshua the little vial of eye drops and excused herself. She and the other girls left the room. “Can he see and hear us?” Joshua asked.
    “Oh yes, he’s completely alert.”
    “Hey Biff, I’m learning about Chi,” Joshua shouted into my ear. “It flows all around us. You can’t see it, or hear it, or smell it, but it’s there.”
    “You don’t need to shout,” said Balthasar. Which is what I would have said, if I could have said anything.
    Joshua put some drops in my eyes. “Sorry.” Then to Balthasar, “This poison, where did it come from?”
    “I studied under a sage in China who had been the emperor’s royal poisoner. He taught me this, and many other of the magics of the five elements.”
    “Why would an emperor need a poisoner?”
    “A question that only a peasant would ask.”
    “An answer that only an ass would give,” said Joshua.
    Balthasar laughed. “So be it, child of the star. A question asked in earnest deserves an earnest answer. An emperor has many enemies to dispatch, but more important, he has many enemies who would dispatch him. The sage spent most of his time concocting antidotes.”
    “So there’s an antidote to this poison,” Joshua said, poking me in the ribs again.
    “In good time. In good time. Have some more wine, Joshua. I wish to discuss with you the three jewels of the Tao. The three jewels of the Tao are compassion, moderation, and humility…”
    An hour later, four Chinese girls came and picked me up, wiped the floor where I had drooled, and carried me to our quarters. As they passed the great ironclad door I could hear scraping and a voice in my head that said, “Hey kid, open the door,” but the girls made no notice of it. Back in my room, the girls bathed me and poured some rich broth into me, then put me to bed and closed my eyes.
    I could hear Joshua enter the room and shuffle around preparing for bed. “Balthasar says he will have Joy give you the antidote to the poison soon, but first you have a lesson to learn. He says that this is the Chinese way of teaching. Strange, don’t you think?”
    Had I been able to make a sound, I would have agreed, yes, indeed it was strange.

    So you know:
    Balthasar’s concubines were eight in number and their names were:
Tiny Feet of the Divine Dance of Joyous Orgasm,
Beautiful Gate of Heavenly Moisture Number Six,
Temptress of the Golden Light of the Harvest Moon,
Delicate Personage of Two Fu Dogs Wrestling Under a Blanket,
Feminine Keeper of the Three Tunnels of Excessive Friendliness,
Silken Pillows of the Heavenly Softness of Clouds,
Pea Pods in Duck Sauce with Crispy Noodle,
and Sue.
    And I found myself wondering, as a man does, about origins and motivations and such—as each of the concubines was more beautiful than the last, regardless of what order you put them in, which was weird—so after several weeks passed, and I could no longer stand the curiosity scratching at my brain like a cat in a basket, I waited until one of the rare occasions when I was alone with Balthasar, and I asked.
    “Why Sue?”
    “Short for Susanna,” Balthasar said.
    So there you go.
    Their full names were somewhat ungainly, and to try to pronounce them in Chinese produced a sound akin to throwing a bag of silverware down a flight of steps (ting, tong, yang, wing, etc.) so Joshua and I called the girls as follows:
Joy,
Number Six,
Two Fu Dogs,
Moon,
Tunnels,
Pillows,
Pea Pods,
and, of