Life Expectancy

----
        In the night that I was born, my paternal grandfather, Josef Tock, made ten predictions that shaped my life. Then he died in the very minute that my mother gave birth to me.
        Josef had never previously engaged in fortune-telling. He was a pastry chef. He made eclairs and lemon tarts, not predictions.
        Some lives, conducted with grace, are beautiful arcs bridging this world to eternity. I am thirty years old and can't for certain see the course of my life, but rather than a graceful arc, my passage seems to be a herky-jerky line from one crisis to another.
        I am a lummox, by which I do not mean stupid, only that I am biggish for my size and not always aware of where my feet are going.
        This truth is not offered in a spirit of self-deprecation or even humility. Apparently, being a lummox is part of my charm, an almost winsome trait, as you will see.
        No doubt I have now raised in your mind the question of what I in tend to imply by "biggish for my size." Autobiography is proving to be a trickier task than I first imagined.
        I am not as tall as people seem to think I am, in fact not tall at all by the standards of professional-or even of high school-basketball. I am neither plump nor as buff as an iron-pumping fitness fanatic. At most I am somewhat husky.
        Yet men taller and heavier than I am often call me "big guy." My nickname in school was Moose. From childhood, I have heard people joke about how astronomical our grocery bills must be.
        The disconnect between my true size and many people's perception of my dimensions has always mystified me.
        My wife, who is the linchpin of my life, claims that I have a presence much bigger than my physique. She says that people measure me by the impression I make on them.
        I find this notion ludicrous. It is bullshit born of love.
        If sometimes I make an outsized impression on people, it's as likely as not because I fell on them. Or stepped on their feet.
        In Arizona, there is a place where a dropped ball appears to roll uphill in defiance of gravity. In truth, this effect is a trick of perspective in which elements of a highly unusual landscape conspire to deceive the eye.
        I suspect I am a similar freak of nature. Perhaps light reflects oddly from me or bends around me in a singular fashion, so I appear to be more of a hulk than I am.
        On the night I was born in Snow County Hospital, in the community of Snow Village, Colorado, my grandfather told a nurse that I would be twenty inches long and weigh eight pounds ten ounces.
        The nurse was startled by this prediction not because eight pounds ten is a huge newborn-many are larger-and not because my grandfather was a pastry chef who suddenly began acting as though he were a crystal-ball gazer. Four days previously he had suffered a massive stroke that left him paralyzed on his right side and unable to speak; yet from his bed in the intensive care unit, he began making prognostications in a clear voice, without slur or hesitation.
        He also told her that I would be born at 10:46 p.m. and that I would suffer from syndactyly.
        That is a word difficult to pronounce before a stroke, let alone after one.
        Syndactyly-as the observing nurse explained to my father-is a congenital defect in which two or more fingers or toes are joined. In serious cases, the bones of adjacent digits are fused to such an extent that two fingers share a single nail.
        Multiple surgeries are required to correct such a condition and to ensure that the afflicted child will grow into an adult capable of giving the F-you finger to anyone who sufficiently annoys him.
        In my case, the trouble was toes. Two were fused on the left foot, three on the right.
        My mother, Madelaine-whom my father affectionately calls Maddy or sometimes the Mad One-insists that they considered forgoing the surgery and, instead, christening me Flipper.
        Flipper was the name of a dolphin that once starred in a hit TV show-not surprisingly titled Flipper-in the late 1960s. My mother describes the program as "delightfully, wonderfully, hilariously stupid." It went off the air a few years before I was born.
        Flipper, a male, was played by a trained dolphin named Suzi. This was most likely the first instance of transvestism on television.
        Actually, that's not the right word because transvestism is a