Lifesaving for Beginners

about it, to be honest.
    Jack is great. Damo thinks so too. He has a motorbike and he always gives us the biggest slice of banoffi with ice cream on the side, even though you’re not supposed to have ice cream on the side because of all the cream on the top of the banoffi. It’s hard to pick a very favourite dessert but banoffi is definitely one of my favourites. I’m not allowed to pick up the bowl and lick it in the café so I just use my finger instead. Damo puts a blob of ice cream on the end of his nose with his finger and then licks it off with his tongue.
    Earwigs are the only thing Damo is afraid of, on account of the way they crawl inside your ear and lay eggs and then you have millions of baby earwigs inside your brain. He’s always putting his fingers in his ears, checking. When he takes them out, they’ve got yellow wax on them and then he chases me around the Funky Banana, like he’s going to wipe the wax on my T-shirt with his fingers. Jack doesn’t mind. He is cleaning up. He says this is his favourite time in the café. When there’re no customers. I prefer it when there’re lots of people. I like guessing what they’ll order. That’s easy with the regulars, although it depends on what time they come in at. The banana and peanut-butter muffins are the most popular. Jack says they’re our signature bun. He makes them now. They’re nearly as good as Mam’s.
    Jack says he’ll take me and Damo to the cinema, just as soon as he gets his paperwork done. He does it on the computer. He types in his username and password. His username is Jack2276, because his name is Jack and the last four digits of the café’s telephone number are 2276. His password is cinnamon, which happens to be the name of his cat. He’s had the same password for ages. I’ve told him he should change it regularly but he never bothers.
    We’re going to see The Three Musketeers . We are going to take it in turns to be d’Artagnan. We use the cardboard holders inside the rolls of tinfoil, for swords. We point them at each other and shout, ‘ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL.’
    We were late getting to the café because Faith and Rob were fighting again, in our house, before we got into Rob’s van to drive over to the Funky Banana. Jack said that me and Damo could have a sleepover in his house because Four Men and a Woman are doing a gig in London. A gig is like a concert except you don’t get paid.
    But Faith said no. She said she’d come straight home after the gig and pick us up, which is a pity because that means we won’t get a really long go of Jack’s Xbox. Jack lets us play Batman: Arkham City, even though you’re not supposed to until you’re fifteen.
    That’s when the fight started, because Rob said, ‘Ah come on, Faith. We haven’t been out in ages. We can stay with Kegs. It’ll be a laugh.’ Kegs is Rob’s older brother. He wears a suit and works in an office. I’m pretty sure Kegs isn’t his real name.
    Faith shook her head. ‘I can’t. I want to have a clear head for tomorrow. I’m going into the café to do the books.’ The books aren’t really books at all. It’s just sums. Like the amount of money the customers pay for a Sweet Funky Monkey sandwich (that’s a banana and honey sandwich, which happens to be the most popular one for the customers who are about my age), minus the cost of the bread and bananas and honey you use to make the sandwiches. Ant and Adrian are the best at the books but they are in London. Dad used to like doing the books. He said it relaxed him. Mam said there were better ways to relax. She said it in a funny sort of voice and looked at him weird and then they’d go for a nap, which is when you go to sleep in the middle of the day with no pyjamas on. But that was ages ago. Way before he went to Scotland to live with Celia.
    Faith said, ‘I’m not going to just palm him off on any Tom, Dick or Harry.’
    Rob said, ‘You’re not palming him off. You’re going out. For one night. One measly night. And this gig is important. That scout could be there tonight. He might want to talk to us afterwards. We don’t want to be rushing off.’
    They were standing in the hall, talking in really loud whispers that sounded like Mrs Barber’s cat hissing.
    ‘Oh, I’m sorry if his mother dying has inconvenienced you.’ Faith doesn’t sound sorry. She sounds mad. Really mad, like the time her appendix burst and she missed the Raconteurs at the Hammersmith