Light in the Shadows

              “I was just,” I began but Clay cut me off. 
                    “You were just sticking your nose in where it’s not wanted.  That’s what you were doing.  I don’t want to talk about it.  Why can’t we just enjoy right now without fucking it up with talk about what you think I should be doing?”  Alright, he was getting pissed and the way he started pacing around made all of this way too reminiscent of before. 
                    But unlike before I didn’t start backpedaling and trying to make this situation better for him.  I didn’t placate Clay and soothe his wounded psyche.  This time I decided laying it out there was better for him and for me.
                    “Well, I’m going off to college in three and a half months.  Three and a half months, Clay!  And I don’t want to go away without knowing you’re doing something with your life too,” I said firmly, crossing my arms over my chest. 
                    Clay’s laugh was dark and bitter and made me cringe.  “Don’t worry about me, Mags.  I won’t interfere with your life.  You’ll get your pretty little future and I won’t stand in your way,” he spit out. 
                  I jumped to my feet.  “Enough with the self-pity.  I was just trying to point out that you are an amazing artist and that would be a constructive use of your talents.  You know, find a career doing something you love.  I was just trying to be helpful,” I retorted.  I eyed the brown bottle of pills on his dresser and the thought flashed through my mind as to whether he was taking them or not.  Because the erratic mood swing was scaring me.
                    Clay must have seen the direction of my gaze because he sighed and shook his head.  “Are you going to start thinking I’m lying about taking my meds every time we get into a fight?” he asked me wearily.
                    I felt my lips start to tremble.  “Can you blame me?” I asked and that seemed to take the wind right out of Clay’s anger.  His shoulders drooped and he dropped his head. 
                    “No, I guess I can’t,” he said.  Then the only sound was our heavy breathing.  I didn’t know what to say to get us back to that beautiful moment we had shared minutes earlier.  The whiplash change was unfortunately not unexpected.  And that made me more than a little sad.  I wanted so much to be past this, but I knew we had such a long way to go.
                    The coward in me wondered if I had it in me to tough it out, to ride this rollercoaster for as long as it lasted.  But that part inside me was very, very small. 
                    I slowly moved until I was stood in front of him and put my hands up so that my fingers smoothed their way through his thick, dark hair.  “I suppose that was my less than tactful way of asking about our future.  Sorry if I was bitchy about it,” I apologized.  Because I really was sorry for taking this important conversation and becoming combative about it. 
                    Clay shook his head.  “You have nothing to be sorry for.  It’s not like I haven’t been thinking about what I’m going to do…after.  That’s part of the reason I meet with the stupid guidance counselor so damn much.  Mr. Hunt is trying to personally shape my life,” he smirked, finally meeting my eyes and I knew we were over that frightening hump.
                    “Oh yeah?  How’s that going?” I asked, my fingers still combing through his hair.  I knew he loved it when I did that and I was rewarded with the softness that started to overtake his face. 
                    “Well, if you couldn’t tell by my shitty attitude a few minutes ago, the whole thing is pretty crappy.  I have no idea what I want to do after I graduate.  I wish I had some sort of plan.  But I just don’t,” he said tiredly.  I grasped the back of his neck and pulled him to my lips, kissing him soundly.
                    “Well, I’ll help you figure it out. And we can make sure that whatever you do, will involve the both of us,” I promised and Clay’s small smile made our earlier argument fade into the background. 
                    The sound of Clay’s phone ringing broke the mood and he grabbed it and answered