Like This, for Ever

ongoing argument with his mother about whether I can give it to him or not. She says it’ll get nicked and doesn’t want him having unrestricted access to the internet. I say that when he loses it, as he does several times a week, we’ll be able to trace it without turning two houses upside-down.’
    ‘He’ll love it,’ said Lacey firmly. ‘But for the record, I agree with his mum.’
    For a second, Joesbury’s hand tipped, as though he were about to let the phone slip into the water below. Lacey reached out and brought it back within the confines of the bridge. She took the phone from him and slipped it into the side pocket of his jacket. If he noticed what she was doing, he didn’t comment.
    ‘I watched you go in here, remember?’ he said.
    Remember? As if she could set foot on this bridge without having flashbacks to a night in October, nearly six months earlier. To a hand grasping her shoe, horrified turquoise eyes looking down at her, the sensation of slipping, then a sickening plummet to the river below.
    ‘Not the sort of occasion you forget easily,’ she admitted.
    ‘I’ve been thinking I might just slip over the edge myself some time between now and morning.’
    He didn’t mean it. He was far too tough to take that way out.
Deal with it, but keep it light.
‘Well, then I’d have to come with you,’ she said. ‘Can’t break with tradition.’
    He turned to look at her. ‘Can’t live—’ he began.
    Lacey didn’t skip a beat. ‘If you don’t,’ she finished.
    For a split second, she knew she’d pulled him back. She, not Huck, was at the front of his mind. He was close enough to kiss, all she had to do was stretch up on tiptoe and lean forward. She’d never wanted to more. It had never been less appropriate. Then the moment was gone.
    ‘I wish you could have known him,’ he said, turning back to watch the river again.
    No, don’t talk about him in the past tense
. ‘I do know him,’ she said. ‘He’s you in miniature. Or rather, he’s you before you got all tough and grumpy and cynical.’
    The muscle in his cheek jumped. In different circumstances, that would have made him laugh. ‘No, he’s me as I should have been. He’s the good bits of me – what few there are – with his mother’s sweet nature and common sense.’
    ‘He’s certainly very cute.’
    A shudder, and then something between a sigh and a sob. ‘Lacey, he was the cutest little kid you can imagine,’ he said. ‘When he was a toddler, I couldn’t take my eyes off him, and when I wasn’t watching him I was videoing him. Carrie used to think I was morbid because I’d sit and watch the footage with tears in my eyes, because with every month that went by it felt like we’d lost something. I used to think the hardest thing in the world was to watch your child getting older.’ He stopped, ran a hand over his face. ‘Course, thatwas until I had to face the possibility that I might never watch him grow up.’
    Finally, the effort was too much. He bent forward and laid his head on his arms. She could see his shoulders tensing with the effort not to give way to sobbing, and it felt as though the pain was all inside her. Just taking another breath was going to hurt too much. And then – oh!
    Her eyes still fixed on the man at her side, her thoughts a thousand miles away, Lacey took a step back. Was it possible?
    Mark sensed her retreat and looked up. His face was wet with tears. At any other time the sight would have melted her.
    ‘I have to go,’ said Lacey, as gently as she could.
    His face twisted as though he didn’t believe what she was telling him. Then his eyes narrowed. He pulled himself upright.
    ‘What?’ he said. ‘What have you thought of?’
    The one man in the world she could never hide anything from.
    ‘Maybe nothing.’ She took another step back. Her bike was just yards away. Another step, watching him nervously as though he might spring at her any second. ‘I need to go.’
    A step forward; he was following her. ‘Not without me, you don’t.’
    She shook her head, continued to back away.
    ‘Jesus, Lacey, this is my son we’re talking about.’
    She held out both hands. ‘I know,’ she said. ‘I need to think now. I need to think really, really hard and I can’t do that when you’re around.’
    ‘Of course you can. We can work it out together. I’ll help.’
    ‘Stay safe, please. As soon as I know anything I’ll call you, I promise.’
    He was following her along