Lords and Ladies

knife in it.
    “Lady?” said the elf holding the box, which was rocking gently in its hands.
    “Yes?” said Magrat, meekly.
    “I lied to you.”
    The knife plunged toward her back.
    And shattered.
    The elf looked at Magrat’s innocent expression, and opened the box.
    Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
    Shawn dived sideways as Greebo went off like a Claymore mine.
    “Don’t worry about him,” said Magrat dreamily, as the elf flailed at the maddened cat. “He’s just a big softy.”
    She drew a knife out of the folds of her dress, turned, and stabbed the elf behind her. It wasn’t an accurate thrust, but it didn’t have to be. Not with an iron blade.
    She completed the movement by daintily raising the hem of her dress and kicking the third elf just under the knee.
    Shawn saw a flash of metal as her foot retreated under the silk again.
    She elbowed the screaming elf aside, trotted into the doorway, and came back with a crossbow.
    “Shawn,” she said, “which one hurt you?”
    “All of them,” said Shawn, weakly. “But the one fighting Greebo stabbed Diamanda.”
    The elf pulled Greebo off his face. Green-blue blood was streaming from a dozen wounds and Greebo hung on to its arm as he was flailed against the wall.
    “Stop it,” said Magrat.
    The elf looked down at the bow, and froze.
    “I will not beg for mercy,” it said.
    “Good,” said Magrat, and fired.
    That left one elf rolling in circles on the flagstones, clutching at its knee.
    Magrat stepped daintily over the body of another elf, vanished into the armory for a moment, and came back with an axe.
    The elf stopped moving, and focused all its attention on her.
    “Now,” said Magrat, conversationally, “I’m not going to lie to you about your chances, because you haven’t got any. I’m going to ask you some questions. But first of all, I’m going to get your attention.”
    The elf was expecting it, and managed to roll aside as the axe splintered the stones.
    “Miss?” said Shawn weakly, as Magrat raised the axe again.
    “Yes?”
    “Mum says they don’t feel pain, miss.”
    “No? But they can certainly be put to inconvenience.”
    Magrat lowered the axe.
    “Of course, there’s armor,” she said. “We could put this one in a suit of armor. How about it?”
    “No!”
    The elf tried to pull away across the floor.
    “Why not?” said Magrat. “Better than axes, yes?”
    “No!”
    “Why not?”
    “It is like being buried in the earth,” hissed the elf. “No eyes, no ears, no mouth!”
    “Chain-mail, then,” said Magrat.
    “No!”
    “Where is the king? Where is everyone?”
    “I will not say!”
    “All right.”
    Magrat vanished into the armory again, and came back dragging a suit of chain-mail.
    The elf tried to scramble away.
    “You won’t get it on,” said Shawn, from where he lay. “You’ll never get it over its arms—”
    Magrat picked up the axe.
    “Oh, no,” said Shawn. “Miss!”
    “You will never get him back,” said the elf. “She has him.”
    “We shall see,” said Magrat. “All right, Shawn. What shall we do with it?”
    In the end they dragged it into a storeroom next to the dungeon and manacled it to the bars of the window. It was still whimpering at the touch of the iron as Magrat slammed the door.
    Shawn was trying to keep at a respectful distance. It was the way Magrat kept smiling all the time.
    “Now let’s have a look at that arm of yours,” she said.
    “I’m all right,” said Shawn, “but they stabbed Diamanda in the kitchen.”
    “Was it her I heard screaming?”
    “Uh. Partly. Uh.” Shawn stared down in fascination at the dead elves as Magrat stepped over them.
    “You killed them,” he said.
    “Did I do it wrong?”
    “Um. No,” said Shawn cautiously. “No, you did it…quite well, really.”
    “And there’s one in the pit,” said Magrat. “You know… the pit. What day is it?”
    “Tuesday.”
    “And you clean it out on…?”
    “Wednesdays. Only I missed last Wednesday because I had—”
    “Then we probably don’t need to worry about it. Are there any more around?”
    “I…don’t think so. Uh. Miss Queen?”
    “Yes,