Lost in You

to ring, constantly checking it just in case he didn’t hear it. It’s a girl thing. They are always looking and now so am I. I knew that dating Hadley would bring obstacles. I just didn’t expect it to be like this. I thought that once her tour was done, she’d have more time, a bit more freedom, but that isn’t the case. Her manager has kept her in Los Angeles and away from me for over a month. As pansy as it sounds to say it, I miss her.
    I miss having her in my arms. I miss the smell of her hair. I miss the way she smiles when I kiss her or the way she plays with my hair when she’s thinking. I fear that we're going to lose what we had now that we’ve been apart, or worse, she’s going to meet someone else. Someone who can provide her with everything that she needs and wants and that she can be seen with in public. I know she wants that and I can’t offer her jack shit.
    The feeling of dread – an emotion we learned today – washes over me when she answers the phone. The cheery tone she usually has when she answers is missing. I try to mask my alarm; I don’t want her to know I’m feeling this way because upsetting her is the last thing I want to do.
    I want to know about her day. When I ask her, she plays it off as if it’s no big deal, but it is to me. My life is mundane and repetitive, always sticking to the same schedule, even where she’s concerned.
    The silence is starting to scare me. Should I feel this way? Is she finally realizing the distance is more than she is willing to put up with? She doesn’t have to. I’m the one who needs to hold on to what little bit of her I can get.
    “Hadley?”
    “Yeah, I’m here.”
    “Something wrong?”
    She sighs and now I know. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for what she’s going to tell me. It’s not working. It’s the distance. You’re too young. Whatever the reasoning, I’ll have to take it like a man.
    “Ian’s being unreasonable. He’s sending me back out on a promotional tour.”
    “Okay.” I’m not sure how to respond. This doesn’t seem like such a bad thing. I know she’s tired, but she’s also a performer and this is her job. Believe me, I’d love to not work and get paid.
    “You don’t understand.”
    “What?” Vague Hadley is not my favorite.
    “The tour is straight through until the end of the year.”
    Through the end of the year .
    My birthday.
    A day that she promised she would spend with me no matter what and now she’ll be on tour.
    “So no days off?”
    “There’s more.”
    I want to say of course there is , but I don’t. I’m in no position to say anything.
    Hadley sighs and starts talking. I listen closely, but really don’t hear much after the words ex-boyfriend , tour and together . She’s going on tour with her ex-boyfriend. One that I didn’t know existed. Maybe she didn’t think it was important to tell me about her ex, or maybe she thought he wasn’t important to discuss. I feel he is.
    “How serious were you with him?”
    “We lived together. He was my first boyfriend. We were sort of thrown together because of our jobs, but…he cheated on me. I was on tour and really missed him so I came home and found him with someone else. I left and haven’t seen him since. The break-up was all over the media and was messy. I just don’t know why…”
    She trails off, not finishing her sentence. I’m not sure what to think. I know that I don’t have an opinion, but I’d like one. I don’t know what I’d say though.
    “This doesn’t change anything, Ryan.”
    “Okay.” That is a cop-out answer on my part, because in my mind everything has changed. She’ll be spending all her time with this guy, one who knows her very well and I’ll be here, waiting.
    “Ryan?”
    “What?”
    “I know this sucks –”
    “You’re going out on tour with your ex-boyfriend and not just any ex, but one you’ve lived with and clearly had sex with and you’re going to be spending every waking minute with him. I’m sorry if the visions going through my mind aren’t what you think they should be.”
    “Ryan –”
    “Is Alex going?”
    “No.” She says this so quietly I almost don’t hear her. So no Alex to keep Hadley occupied or to intercede. Perfect.
    I rub my hand over my face. I never knew what jealousy was until now. Everything in me is screaming that this is not good. Nothing good is going to come from this.
    “Hadley, I know it’s your job. I get it. I’m just… I don’t know