Lost in You

his feelings into them, telling me how sorry he was, that he made a mistake and of course he promised that it would never happen again.  He bought me jewelry, offered to move away with me to start over, told me he couldn’t live without me. 
    One time, after I had kicked him out I came home from work to find he had let himself into our old apartment, filled it up with flowers, made me dinner and once again pleaded with me not to leave him. I was so close to relenting.  I can still close my eyes and remember the good times, the laughs we shared, all the times he tenderly made love to me and I felt like I was the center of his universe.  As crazy as it seems, I know in his own demented way he truly loved me.  I know I loved him. 
    That night, I almost gave in; it wasn’t because of the flowers or the dinner, it was the pure anguish I saw in his eyes and the tears that trailed down his cheeks when he begged me not to leave him.  I looked in his eyes, really looked and the sight astounded me.  I had never seen him cry before; but it wasn’t only that.  I could see the love there.  I could see that he truly wanted to work things out and was pleading for me to stay.  Part of me wanted to give into him.  I could see myself jumping into his arms and telling him we could figure it out and try… really try to make it work.  I wanted to be able to tell him that I forgave him but in the back of my mind I had realized something in our time apart.  Our marriage was a sham to begin with.  The fact that we had made it for four years was a freaking miracle and believe it or not, choosing to stay would have been the easy way out.  Staying was easy. Choosing to move on, the hard part.
    I shattered his heart that night.  I looked him in the eyes and told him once again to get out of the apartment and that I didn’t want to see him again.  I told him there was absolutely nothing he could do to make the situation right and that he needed to just stop.  Stop trying.  Stop buying me things.  Stop coming over.  Stop trying to fix “us,” because it couldn’t be done. We were broken. We were over; the marriage was over.   When all of his efforts failed to work, and he felt desperate, he became mean.
    Anger flashed across his face and he tried to hide it.  His pleading ended up with him calling me names and storming out of the apartment.  I had hurt his pride, set him off; a dangerous combination.
    I know little miss blond slut wasn’t Deacon’s first betrayal; I just chose to ignore the signs that were right in front of my face. I chose to believe the pretty lies he told me.  The excuses ranged from working late, to stopping at the gym or running into an old friend.  When he realized the lies were becoming more frequent he tried to bury my questions and disappointments with flowers, shopping sprees or sex that was driven more by anger than passion.  For a while, I desperately clung to the lies and the illusion that everything was fine.  While his affairs mattered and of course they hurt, the simple truth was that they were only part of the problem.  I didn’t want to be in a marriage that only works when I played dumb and pretended to believe the lies and allowed things to always be on his terms. 
    I want more.
    I need more.
    I deserve more.   

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
     
    I cannot thank the readers enough for the constant encouragement I receive daily. Interacting with each and every one of you has been such a blessing and I’m so thankful.
    My brother, Ryan, isn’t here to see this story. A lot of Ryan Stone is who my brother was. Shy, awkward, very cute (yes I can say that as his sister) and loved by everyone.
    The word thank you seems so small when it comes to my best friend, Yvette, but without her, my stories don’t work. She’s my constant and for that I’ll be in her debt forever.
    There are plenty of people to thank that held my hand during Lost in You .
    Miller & Cola – the late night chats and pre-reading helped me through that very rough patch.
    Toni – I appreciate every encouraging word and most amazing help ever. I love knowing that I can just hand you a chapter.
    Brandon – without your most spectacular images Ryan and Hadley would just be names. Thank you for the amazing promotions.
    Jodie – thank you for taking the helms on this one. I owe you!
    Sarah – your vision is one of the most amazing aspects of writing. You help create the story with what you make for the