Lost in You

I’m asked.
    But it’s getting to be too much and Cole agrees.
    After the incident – that’s what we’re calling it – we’re certain that Ian set me up. The problem is we can’t prove it. We’ve tried. Alex has a lot of contacts and she even tried to find out who tipped off the photographers about Ryan, but none of them are budging. I can’t believe they like Ian that much to sell me out.
    I told my parents. At first they didn’t believe me, but when my mom bought the magazine and read the article she finally relented that maybe her brother is a bit off his rocker. She suggested Cole and I quit the tour, but she doesn’t understand what that would do to both of us. Neither of us is willing to forgo the tour and upset the fans just to stick it to Ian. My dad on the other hand, is looking for a new manager and was quite shocked to find out that Cole didn’t have one.
    Getting rid of Ian will be hard, but will be better for me… I think. I know he does his job, but it’s the way he manipulates me to get what he wants. First with the staff he hires and now with the media. He’s supposed to protect me, not feed me as live bait to the sharks.
    The tour is almost over. This makes me happy and sad. Each night, I’m looking. Looking for any sign that Ryan is in the audience or out front trying to buy tickets. I don a disguise and walk around the concourse pretending I’m a concertgoer so I can mingle with the crowd in the hope that he’s out there. Each night I come up empty. I stay awake long after everyone has gone to bed and text him, but I never receive a response. His phone rings and rings, never being answered by the one voice I so desperately want to hear. I know I screwed up, but I thought he knew I’d call him on his birthday.
    No, he didn’t know. I gave him no indication that I would. I shut off our lifeline like a selfish bitch in order to protect myself and started a very public relationship with my ex. He’d know about that, I’m sure. Dylan would show him. She would make sure of it. She didn’t like me with Ryan because she wanted him for herself and I handed him to her on a silver platter. I have no doubt he knows about Cole and me and there isn’t anything I can do about it because he doesn’t answer his phone or return my texts. If he’d just return one, I’d go to where he was and get him and bring him here with me. We can live in my apartment and not have to worry about what people say.
    I’m going to look for him when the tour is over. I’ll go back to Brookfield and start there, maybe hire a private investigator. I can’t believe he ran away. I know he talked about leaving, but I thought he’d wait until he graduates. A diploma can mean so much more when looking for a job.
    The sun is up when I finally retire. He’s not going to answer or return my text. I crawl into bed and close my eyes. Life should be so much easier, but it’s not. My door opens slightly. I turn and find Cole standing in my doorway. He walks in and sits on my bed.
    “What’s wrong?”
    “Can’t sleep,” he says as he slides down the bed, resting his head on the extra pillow. I roll onto my side and face him.
    I’m tired of pretending and he must be, too. He’s been so good, though. He’s the devoted boyfriend, always holding my hand, tucking my hair behind my ear at the right moment. He never complains that behind closed doors our relationship is platonic. He’s been without a partner for months now, just to help me. He’s really the best, most perfect fake boyfriend any girl could ask for.
    I don’t know why I can’t love him again. He’s proven that he’s changed. That he’s trustworthy and patient. He’s a catch and any girl would be so lucky to have his blue eyes look at her the way he looks at me. His blond hair is always kept short and away from his eyes, unlike Ryan's. Both men are so different and yet could own me completely. I know Cole would welcome the opportunity, but I just can’t get Ryan out of my head.
    “You should write a song with all that thinking you’re doing.” Cole’s voice is rough.
    “I haven’t written songs since you and I did. I don’t have a passion for it.”
    “You should try, it might help.”
    I shake my head. “What are you doing in here?”
    He shrugs. “I was thinking about you and us and this whole pretend thing. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on. My feelings have never gone away and the lines are so muddy right