Love is Always Write Anthology Bonus Volume
know it, Lukas— hey, what's your middle name?
If I tell you, will you stop texting and do your homework?
If you don't tell me , he sent, I'll make one up. Lukas Tiberius Blake? Lukas Jar-Jar Blake? I can go on.
Lukas Walker Blake. But you were in the right ballpark— it's all very Star Wars.
In the right ballpark— do you even notice that you talk in cliches?
Do your homework, Alan Lumina Lacroix.
Meanie. This is why people write your phone number in bathroom stalls. Or am I the only one doing that?
I was stretched out on the living room rug amid freshly-washed but now-dry dogs. I sent him a picture of Twiggy looking soulful with her head on her paws.
Twiggy is sad that you aren't doing your homework.
…you, sir, do not fight fair. Tell Twiggy I will do my duty as a gentleman and a scholar.
On Monday Alan posted a clip on the wiki, and a bit of script for me to read with it. I read it, read it again, Googled his facts, took it to Lilia, and then finally started recording without a single change.
"Any horror movie buff can explain the dangers of building on top of an old graveyard," I began, thinking how I wouldn't be surprised to see actual steam coming out of Lilia's ears, "but the developers of the proposed Three Acorn Mall aren't listening."
On Tuesday we met at the Mug Shot. I got there first and sat in Alan's usual seat. He and Mallory sat by the wall, Tania sat by me, and no one spilled anything on anyone. Alan ran through where we were on the various pieces of the project and I realized that though I'd hardly done anything, we were ahead of schedule. I wondered if offering to help Alan with the editing that had to be eating all his time would be appreciated, or if he'd take it as a hint he was doing a bad job despite what I'd said.
Probably the latter, I decided, and let it be. Mallory was completely capable of helping him, could do it without annoying him, and would volunteer at the merest hint that he wanted help. My wanting to see him work didn't matter.
"We'll film at the graveyard on Sunday," Alan announced. "Aunt Lilia already invited us for lunch."
"You guys do know Lilia can't cook, right?" I asked. Alan shook his head with a grin.
Wednesday Alan texted, Support Search and Rescue, Janelle. Get lost.
Flirt with Brad , I suggested.
You are an evil man and I love you for it. Alan texted back. I explained 'Damn it, Janet' and showed him a picture of me at Rocky Horror, and he practically threw her over his shoulder and ran away screaming.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He sent me the picture of him at Rocky Horror . I took a deep breath and saved it a few levels down in my phone, where it wouldn't pop up if I was looking for something else.
On Thursday he sent me a picture of a tabby cat lying in a sunbeam. I want this career. Where do I sign up for sleeping in the sun and occasionally licking my balls in front of visitors?
There's a competency exam , I texted. You have to prove you can lick your balls first.
Can I lick someone else's balls?
That's a different career.
Friday Alan texted, [Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Bugger. Buggity bugger bug FUCK
All right?
Fine. Why do you ask? Lovely day, don't you think?
I was in my truck at the post office, waiting for the spitting rain to ease up.
Gorgeous , I sent. The raining sideways is a particularly nice touch.
All day Saturday Alan didn't text me at all. I kept checking to see if my phone had died. Then at two in the morning, it vibrated.
Lukas someboy slipped mal something it's ilke she's drunk an i'm drunk and we're in the bathroom and she keeps TOUCHING ME GOD BUT IF I LET HER OUT THOSE ASSHOLES
I called him while I jumped into my clothes. "Alan. Where are you?"
"I don't know!" he wailed. "Stupid, stupid—" It sounded like he was hitting himself.
"Stop that!" I snapped, slipping into my trench coat because it was two in the morning in late October. "Think. Is there a window? Can you see any street names?"
"Oh my god she's grabbing my ass, it's— yes! There's a corner. Elm and Wilson. Elm Street, what a fucking nightmare. Mal stop it please!"
"I'll be right there. Stay in the bathroom! Put her in the shower if you have to."
"Goddamn it everyone thinks I'm a fucking whore, stop it, damn it, damn you, stop it…"
"I'm coming, Alan." I ran down the stairs, grabbed my keys and my backpack rather than digging for my wallet in it. Hell, two of them— I put my keys back and snatched Lilia's. Either Alan hung up or I lost signal,
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