Love is Always Write Anthology Bonus Volume

birthday?
    Duty-presents suck , he texted back. If you don't care enough to know— and it doesn't bug me if you don't— then it doesn't matter when it is.
    Crap.
    Wednesday morning when I got the chance to ask Lilia, her fondness for Alan wrestled her conscience over respecting his wishes, and her desire to see him celebrated won. She told me his birthday was the 30th— the day before Halloween and two weeks away. I sighed relief and sat down to try and remember what climbing gear Alan already had, and also to figure out a budget. How much could I spend before I ran into his touchy pride?
    It was harder coming at a budget that way than how much should I spend so I don't look cheap? I went online to look at gear and prices and ended up back in the kitchen with Lilia explaining the problem while she did the breakfast dishes.
    "What are you getting him?" I asked her.
    Lilia winked. "I have special privilege," she said. "That information won't help you."
    "You're getting him something amazing, aren't you?"
    "Alan asked me to adopt him on Labor Day," she said, scrubbing the skillet. "I've decided to do so. When one is, celebrating her only grandchild's birthday after missing twenty of them, one may be excused for going overboard, don't you think?"
    "Well, if you're going to overshadow me no matter what I do…" I said, and went back to look at gear again. Wandered from there into video equipment, and was almost late to class because of it.
    After class I reminded myself that Alan didn't want to hang out with me, and went up to the fourth floor of the library to do some homework before my next class.
    That night while I was at work he texted, This day was a total waste of fucking makeup.
    What happened?
    Nothing. Everything. All these jackasses need to GTFO my planet.
    I'm sorry , I texted. He didn't answer.
    Thursday he sent, Non-flammable? Challenge accepted.
    Alan , I texted, arson is bad.
    It's in the spirit of academic inquiry! It's SCIENCE!
    'Science' is not a legal defense.
    Damn them.
    Friday Alan texted, If girls had nuts I would kick her in them.
    Assault is bad , I told him.
    Her /face/ is an assault!
    Don't be so shallow , I sent.
    That's what he said.
    Saturday Lilia asked me to drive her to the mall, but shooed me away instead of drafting me as porter. I still hadn't picked up a present for Alan, so I hit the REI store while she enjoyed being mysterious. We met for lunch, and at home I carried a gift-wrapped box big enough to hide Twiggy in, into the house. At least I knew she hadn't gotten him a bunch of books— I never would have been able to carry that many.
    Saturday night Alan texted, I'm detecting a trend. Is everything that starts with 'a' against the law?
    Which 'a' are you considering? I asked.
    Accessory to homicide, if this clod of a Casanova tries to grope Mallory one more time. Who thinks grabbing ass is the way to a girl's heart?
    Avalanche , I suggested. Tell Mallory to dump ice-cubes down his pants.
    My phone lay silent for a few minutes and I went back to the paper I'd been writing, then it vibrated again.
    He shoots, he scores! Alan 1, LittleDick 0!
    "What are you laughing at?" Lilia asked from the scarf she was attempting to knit. It was another Alan present, and I hoped he appreciated Lilia learning to knit for him. I read her the conversation and she chuckled.
    "Bravo oscar sierra," she said. "Balls of steel. I love that boy."
    "Never a dull moment," I said, and went back to my paper.
    On Sunday I took Lilia to church, and Alan texted that the Bible was written by people who thought the earth was flat and dear zombie Jesus, what sadist invented tequila?
    That afternoon in the middle of Javert's bath, when I had my arms full of unhappy wet dog, he sent a picture of a bug as big as the light bulb beside it with the message wtf is this? Do I run screaming or welcome our new insectoid overlords? Look at those mandibles!
    I don't know what it is , I texted back when I'd got Javert wrestled onto the sun-porch to dry. Don't you? I thought you were from around here.
    Other end of the state where the bugs are smaller, the men are men, and the farm animals are nervous.
    Lilia says it's a Dobsonfly and it won't actually kill you and feed you to its young.
    Mostly harmless? Oh good.
    That night he texted, Why didn't you make me do my homework sooner?
    Because I wanted to torture you , I replied. Alan, I'm trying to do /my/ homework. Have you thought about getting a Twitter?
    You love it and you