Love is Always Write Anthology Volume 6

options or something. I mean I know Dad didn't want you to..." He got quiet at the mention of Dad and neither of us said anything for a few moments. "But damn, Adam, the fucking Marines? And now , with all the shit that's going on in the world?"
    "Honoring Dad is one reason I want to do this."
    "Yeah? And just what the hell is this going to do to Mom if you come home in a body bag? Have you thought of that? It's not a question of if you'll get sent overseas these days, Adam, it's when ."
    I swallowed hard. I had to admit I did worry about Mom and it was the only thing making me hesitate.
    "Bobby, you know the last thing I want to do is hurt Mom. But I feel like I need to do this for me. I feel like maybe, finally, I'll be doing something worthwhile. That maybe things will finally make some sense for me."
    My brother shook his head and let out a big sigh, staring straight ahead at his full coffee cup and not looking at me. Finally he raised his eyes again. "Well what about the gay thing?"
    "The gay thing?"
    Bobby gave me an exasperated look. "Come on Adam, don't play dumb, you know what I'm talking about. You've been out since you were sixteen. And Dad was the one who pushed you out, remember? He wanted you to be honest about yourself? Joining the Marines means you're going to have to hide that you're gay. To everyone. Are you prepared to do that? And what do you think Dad would say to that huh?"
    I felt myself physically wince, and I knew Bobby saw it. Of course I knew I was going to have to hide that part of me. And while yes, it sucked and it was wrong, I didn't really have a choice if this was what I wanted.
    "I know this is going to be a tough road, Bobby. I can't change the policy of the United States Military. Sometimes there are things that have sacrificed—"
    "Christ, you're already starting to sound like a Marine." Bobby rolled his eyes as he interrupted me. I gave him a hard look before I continued.
    "Dad was a Marine, that's where he learned the code of honor and honesty, and I think he would understand my lying this time. Besides, it's not going to be forever."
    Bobby just shook his head again and scrubbed his face with his hands. There was dead silence between us. The tick-tick-tick of the clock on the wall echoed loudly in the stalemate between us.
    Finally, he looked up at me. "Damn, you haven't had such a determined look on your face since you wanted that junker of a car for your sixteenth birthday and you vowed to work as many jobs as you needed to earn the money for it." He sighed again. "You really want to do this don't you?" he said quietly.
    I nodded. "Yeah, I think I do."
    Bobby leaned back in his chair. "Well, you're an adult, and you can make your own decisions. It's your life. But you're telling Mom first. And I want you to talk to Chase."
    "Chase?"
    "Yeah, he can tell you what it's like being gay and having to hide it for your job."
    My mouth dropped open. "Ch-Chase is gay?"
    Bobby looked up at me like I was nuts, then closed his eyes and hung his head. "Shit. He told me I was the only one who knew, but for some reason I just assumed he'd told you too, you both were always so close. Yeah, he told me a few months ago. Playing football in college and now the NFL he just can't be out, it'd be career suicide, ya know? I think it's hard on him though, that's why he finally broke down and told me, he needed someone to know."
    ****
    My mind was reeling as I drove home to Fresno. I couldn't believe Chase was gay. Jesus. I remembered the huge crush I used to have on him, and all those nights I wished he were gay. And all the nights I felt so embarrassed that I had a crush on him, when he was such a good friend... a straight friend. Or a friend I thought was straight. It was too much for me to think about right this minute, and really what did it matter to me now? I needed to focus on getting my life together.
    Mom cried when I told her, but surprisingly she was easier to persuade than Bobby. She didn't like it, but she'd lived with my Dad for thirty years, she understood the call to the Marine Corps.
    "Adam, just tell me one thing, and be honest. You're not doing this as some kind of misguided way of making something up to your father are you? Or trying to make him proud of you? Because you know he was always proud of you, he always loved you, no matter what you wanted to do or be."
    I swallowed hard and tears formed in my eyes. It was hard to keep my voice steady as I spoke. "I know Mom. I want to