Love is Always Write Anthology Volume 8

that. I just realized that when everyone said girls were pretty or hot, or smelled good, for me it was always boys. Boys and men. I was pretty confused about things for a long time, but I never doubted that it was guys I was attracted to, even when I wished it wasn't."
    "But you never told me."
    Josh actually sounded hurt about that. Motherfucker. Like he couldn't see it had been impossible? Although to be fair, before Felix, Trey had been close to telling him a hundred times. Except that always led to the other confession, the one about who he wanted to be gay with. No way to explain now without letting out that little bit of idiocy. Trey just shook his head against his knees.
    "Did your parents know?"
    "They still don't."
    "You mean you're not out?"
    "I am around my place. I came out in college. I've dated." Guys who never meant enough because they never measured up to that unrealistic image I had of you. Although five days back in contact with Josh hadn't managed to rub the shine off that damned image yet. "I just never told my folks."
    "Why not? Your parents are great."
    Trey knew Josh had always envied him the laid-back family life Trey'd enjoyed. Josh was right, they would probably have been fine with it, at least after the initial surprise. "It wasn't important. They didn't need to know."
    "That's bullshit."
    The loft was hot and dim and smelled of cut alfalfa, and it was so familiar, being here with Josh and just letting things out. Before he could stop himself he said, "They still talk to your parents."
    "So? I didn't think you cared a rat's ass what my parents thought of you."
    "That's not true." Trey had cared in a way, mainly because they controlled how much time he got to spend with Josh. It was true that after watching them focus on Felix and act completely unconcerned about Josh's feelings, he'd moved from wariness to disdain. And, yeah, it wasn't like he still cared at this late date what Mr. and Mrs. Campbell thought of him. He sighed and just said it. "You talk to them every week. If they heard I was gay, it would be the first thing out of their mouths the next time you called." And not in any good way. He and Josh had been hot and angry in their bigotry at the time, but Felix's parents had been icily furious with a loathing that would never fade.
    Josh said slowly, "You were afraid they would tell me you were gay and I would... what?"
    Hate me. Stop emailing, stop IMing, take away the last little scraps of contact I had with you. He hadn't realized until this week just how deep his neediness went. He'd thought he'd whittled down his contacts with Josh so he could move on, but he'd been fooling himself. He'd cut them back to a level he thought Josh would let him keep. Forever. No wonder his last boyfriend had accused Trey of not being fully invested in their relationship. He'd called the guy delusional, but it was becoming pretty damned clear where the delusions really lay.
    He realized Josh was probably still waiting for an answer, but he'd forgotten the question. He just shook his head again.
    "Trey, I wouldn't have minded. You should have told me."
    "Oh really?" He felt his anger rise and welcomed it. Anger was better than the complete desolation of waiting for Josh to tell him how some of his best friends were gay . "So I should have told you? When? When did gay guys stop all being disgusting ass-fuckers and perverted baby rapers? When could I have told you and not had you spit in my face? The day after Felix was raped? A week later?"
    "No, I..." Josh stopped short and then said painfully, "College, I guess."
    "Yeah. Which was three years after Felix."
    "But you knew, back then, the whole time we were talking about gay bastards..." Josh's voice trailed off.
    "Mm."
    "That's... not good."
    That was such an understatement, this time Trey's laugh actually held some genuine amusement.
    Josh said in a careful voice, "You're okay with it now? Did you, um, see someone?"
    "Like a therapist? I wasn't that broken." Trey ignored the little voice that said, Yeah, you were. He was over it now anyway. "I got lucky with my first boyfriend." He had a sudden impulse to overwhelm Josh, to prove that the reality of Trey's life would make the man recoil. He lifted his head off his knees to look at Josh's shadowy form. "It turns out a big, hard dick up my ass was a good way to convince me I was always going to be gay."
    He watched closely, but Josh didn't move. He just said quietly, "Trey, if you're trying to weird