Lucy in the Sky

says sleepily when he wakes up to find I’m still in bed with him at eight o’clock on Saturday morning.
    I look down at him, his blue eyes struggling to open.
    ‘Hi.’ I smile. ‘I was just thinking about breakfast in bed. Do you want some?’
    ‘No.’ He yawns, pulling me back down. ‘Not yet.’
    He grins at me sexily as he guides my hand to his boxer shorts. We haven’t made love since before I went away to Australia but now, feeling how turned on he is, I suddenly crave it. I smile naughtily at him as I slide out of my pyjama bottoms and he hovers above me and starts to kiss me passionately. I ease hisboxers down and run my hands over his broad chest as he unbuttons my top.
    ‘I love you,’ he murmurs as he turns his attention to my nipples. When he eventually enters me I gasp. It feels raw. Different. As his pace picks up I can’t help it; I start to think of Nathan. What would he have been like in bed? Suddenly it’s Nathan’s chest, Nathan’s bum, Nathan’s eyes looking into mine. We climax at the same time and Nathan pushes deeper, harder into me. Then he pulls out and rolls over and I look at James. I start to sob.
    ‘What’s wrong?’ he asks me, sitting up in alarm.
    ‘I’m sorry…’
    ‘Lucy, what is it?’
    I’ve never cried after sex before.
    ‘That was just so…intense.’ I wipe my eyes.
    ‘Baby, come here.’ He laughs with relief, pulling me back into his arms. ‘I love you,’ he tells me again. I lie there silently for a moment, thinking of Nathan and wanting to cry more. I breathe in deeply and James holds me tighter. I’ve got to let go, I silently tell myself, which makes me weep again–my breath coming out in raggedy gulps. James pulls me away from him and gazes full of concern into my teary eyes. I look back into his blue ones and see a flicker of Nathan looking back at me. I turn away. ‘What is it?’
    ‘Nothing. I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed with it all.’
    ‘With all of what?’ he asks me.
    ‘Oh, God.’ I sit up in bed. ‘It’s just been too much these last few weeks,’ I try to explain. ‘Going back home after all these years, seeing my oldest friends–I don’t have that sort of history with anyone over here. And then Molly and Sam’s wedding…I felt heartbroken when I had to leave them again. I wanted to stay.’
    ‘Weren’t you even looking forward to seeing me again?’ he asks sadly.
    ‘Yes, of course,’ I lie awkwardly. Then I come clean. ‘Actually, no. I’m sorry, James, but I wasn’t.’
    What? Where did that honesty come from?
    He looks at me with surprise and hurt. But I feel oddly indifferent towards his pain.
    ‘I’m sorry.’ I try to mean it. What’s wrong with me? ‘It’s just that…I felt like I was in another world over there. You were so far away and that text really screwed my head up for a while. I had such a good time with my friends and it was summer, the sun was shining…I felt…I wanted to be…single.’
    ‘Great!’ he exclaims.
    Why am I telling him this? Am I trying to punish him for having sex with me? All of a sudden, compassion flows through me.
    ‘God, I’m sorry, James. I shouldn’t have said anything.’ I reach over and squeeze his hand. It remains limp in my grasp. ‘James, please. I didn’t mean it to sound as harsh as that. I just need to settle back in. I don’t know why I’m acting like this.’
    He lies there, eyes staring straight ahead.
    ‘James, talk to me.’
    Silence.
    ‘I should have kept my bloody mouth shut!’ My anger hits me out of the blue and instantly shatters his chilly demeanour.
    ‘No, it’s okay.’ He meets my eyes at last. ‘I’d rather you were honest with me.’
    ‘I don’t mean to upset you. Please bear with me. I’m just a bit freaked out, okay? It will be alright.’
    ‘I know.’ He reaches over to rub my shoulder.
    I brush away the last of my tears, and, feeling like a traitor towards my boyfriend, glance longingly at the cupboard where Nathan’s tape is hidden and buried.

Chapter 12
    It’s the following weekend. Mandy has kept me on my toes at work all week. She’s won a new account–the launch of a brand-new bar in Soho, which is in the process of being bought by famous Italian footballer Gianluca Luigi and his American fashion designer wife, Eliza. Mandy wants me to oversee the whole shebang, which means a trip to Milan next month to meet with the clients, and organising a kick-ass star-studded party. It’s a major deal for