Machine Dreams

going to do?”
    “Maybe stay up there, get a job. I’ve got the dorm room anyway until the term ends. Or I could come back here. I might go south after Christmas. I could always get a job tending bar in a resort town.”
    “What would you do if you stayed in Bellington?”
    He felt flushed, listening to her simple questions. He heard her talk with an almost physical ache of pleasure. “Would you like it if I stayed around?” He asked uncertainly; he was sure she’d tell him the truth.
    She raised her brows in puzzlement and spoke slowly. “I don’t know. It would be kind of complicated for me.”
    “You mean because of this guy you’re going out with.”
    She held the cigarette high in her hand and the smoke, a thin, constant smoke, disappeared into the room. “You know, it wasn’t like things were great for me over the summer, when you never even came around. I used to just talk to him once in a while, when he came in for lunch. He was new around here and kind of quiet,old-fashioned. Finally he asked my father if he could take me out sometime.”
    Billy imagined Shinner’s befuddlement and smiled. “What did Shinner say?”
    “He said, ‘It’s no business of mine. Ask her.’ ” Kato laughed.
    Billy nodded. He said, after a pause, “I kept wondering if it wasn’t strange, going out with a cop. Does he get upset about some of your habits?”
    She put the cigarette out. “I don’t do dope in front of him. I don’t smoke much dope at all anymore. Turning into a drinker, I guess.”
    “What?”
    “Not like that, Billy. I’m not that dumb.”
    Maybe Shinner was worse. “I never thought you were dumb at all,” Billy said softly.
    Far off, they heard a siren. Fire truck barreling up Quality Hill and on out. The corners of her mouth tightened. “Sorry. It’s just that Dad is driving me crazy lately. Soon as I save up some money at the paper, I might get my own place.”
    “He drinking more?”
    She opened one hand in a dismissive gesture. “Anyway. You ought to stay around if you want to. Don’t let it depend on me, but I mean, maybe the Park Service would hire you back.”
    Billy let himself imagine it. “I liked the Park Service, even if the pay was bad. I guess they need people in winter. Be nice there in the snow.”
    She nodded. “They patrol the park in jeeps. You have to have four-wheel drive on those roads.”
    “Yeah.” He touched her shoulder, then moved his hand away. “You could ride around with me and help put out hay for the deer. Or maybe not. Your friend would get mad.”
    “He doesn’t tell me what to do,” she said flatly.
    “That would be a mistake,” Billy agreed.
    She smiled a little and leaned forward to touch the edge of the ash tray.
    “Does he try to tell you what to do?” Billy watched her hand, her long fingers.
    “Not exactly. He just … expects me to be more, like, ladylike,than I am. He seems surprised sometimes. I don’t know, he’s nothing like me. He says most girls he knows only sleep with the one they’re going to marry. I told him I was kind of married to you, if he wants to think of it that way.”
    “Is that how you thought of it?”
    She looked up guiltily, as though she’d admitted too much. “No. Not until lately anyway.”
    It was dark outside. The room had gotten dark, and it was cold. The small neon light that advertised Black’s Billiards blinked on and off downstairs, throwing up a muted rosiness that came and went beyond the living room windows. They could hear, through the floor, the soft clicks of pool cues, the thumps of balls dropping into pockets. The sounds were so known and so familiar, so comforting. Billy felt an edge release inside him. “Quiet down there,” he said. “No jukebox?”
    “Broken,” Kato said. “Dad hasn’t got it fixed yet.”
    “Well, I better go.” He started to stand but she stood first.
    She walked over and said, from above him, very near, “I don’t mean we should change things, but I wish you wouldn’t leave yet.”
    He stood to meet her halfway but they were on the couch again and he couldn’t hold her close enough, hard enough, his face pressed tight against her, sounds of surprise and relief in his throat. She felt more real than anything had felt in all these months.
    Though it was only ten, his mother’s house was in darkness. He stood on the stoop and considered sleeping in his car but, no, he’d driven here to tell her. He rang the bell. Inside, the hallway light went on.