Making Money

feel…utterly in control. You seem very…worried lately, Heretofore. Are you well?”
    “Um…fine, sir,” said Heretofore.
    “You must understand I sent Mr. Cranberry with you for the best of reasons,” said Cosmo. “Morpeth would have told someone, sooner or later, however much you paid him.”
    “But the boy in the hat shop—”
    “Exactly the same situation. And it was a fair fight. Was that not so, Cranberry?”
    Cranberry’s shiny bald head looked up from his book. “Yes, sir. He was armed.”
    “Bu—” Heretofore began.
    “Yes?” said Cosmo calmly.
    “Er…nothing, sir. You are right, of course.” In possession of a small knife and very drunk. Heretofore wondered how much that counted against a professional killer.
    “I am, aren’t I,” said Cosmo in a kindly voice, “and you are excellent at what you do. As is Cranberry. I shall have another little quest for you soon, I feel it. Now do go and get your supper.”
    As Heretofore opened the door, Cranberry glanced up at Cosmo, who shook his head almost imperceptibly. Unfortunately for Heretofore, he had excellent peripheral vision.
    He’s going to find out, he’s going to find out, he’s going to find oouuuttt!!! he moaned to himself, as he scurried along the corridors. It’s the damn ring, that’s what it is! It’s not my fault Vetinari has thin fingers! He would have smelled a rat if the bloody thing had fitted! Why didn’t he let me have it made bigger? Hah, and if I had he’d have sent Cranberry along later to murder the jeweler! I know he’ll send him after me, I know it!
    Cranberry frightened Heretofore. The man was soft-spoken and modestly dressed. And when Cosmo did not require his services he sat and read books all day. That upset Heretofore. If the man was an illiterate thug, things would, in some strange way, have been better, more…understandable. The man apparently had no body hair, either, and the gleam from his head could blind you in sunlight.
    And it had all begun with a lie. Why had Cosmo believed him? Because he was mad, but regrettably not all the time; he was a sort of hobby madman. He had this…thing about Lord Vetinari.
    Heretofore didn’t spot that at first, he just wondered why Cosmo had fussed about his height at the job interview. And when Heretofore had told him he’d worked at the palace, he was hired on the spot.
    And that was the lie, right there, although Heretofore preferred to think of it as an unfortunate conjunction of two truths.
    Heretofore had indeed been employed for a while at the palace, and thus far Cosmo had not found out that this was as a gardener. He had been a minor secretary at the Armorers’ Guild before that, which was why he’d felt confident in saying “I was a minor secretary and I was employed at the palace,” a phrase that he felt Lord Vetinari would have examined with more care than the delighted Cosmo had done. And now here he was, advising a very important and clever man on the basis of as much rumor as he could remember or, in desperation, make up. And he was getting away with it. In his everyday business dealings, Cosmo was cunning, ruthless, and sharp as a tack, but when it came to anything to do with Vetinari, he was as credulous as a child.
    Heretofore noticed that his boss occasionally called him by the name of the Patrician’s secretary, but he was being paid fifty dollars a month, food and his own bed thrown in, and for that kind of money he’d answer to “Daisy.” Well, perhaps not Daisy, but certainly Clive.
    And then the nightmare had begun, and in the way of nightmares, everyday objects took on a sinister importance.
    Cosmo had asked for an old pair of Vetinari’s boots.
    That had been a poser. Heretofore had never been inside the actual palace, but he’d got into the grounds that night by scaling the fence next to the old green garden gate, met one of his old mates, who had to stay up all night to keep the hothouse boilers going, had a little chat, and the following night returned for a pair of old but serviceable black boots, size eight, and information from the boot boy that his lordship wore down the left heel slightly more than the right.
    Heretofore couldn’t see any difference in the boots presented, and no one was actually claiming as a fact that these were the fabled Boots Of Vetinari, but well-worn but still-useful boots floated down from the upper floors to the servants’ quarters on a tide of noblesse oblige, and if these weren’t