Making Money

chain of franchised cafés trading on the Dibbler name, offering a variety of meals and drinks bearing your distinctive likeness?” said Moist.
    Mr. Fusspot jumped down from the desk with the sausage held gently in his mouth, dropped it in the corner of the office, and tried industriously to kick the carpet over it.
    Dibbler stared at Moist, and then said, “Yessir, if you insist, but actually I was thinking about a barrow.”
    “A barrow?” said Bent.
    “Yessir. I know where I can get a nice little secondhand one with an oven and everything. Painted up nice, too. Wally the Gimp is quitting the jacket-potato business ’cos of stress and he’ll let me have it for fifteen dollars, cash down. A not-to-be-missed opportunity, sir.” He looked nervously at Mr. Bent and added, “I could pay you back at a dollar a week.”
    “For twenty weeks,” said Bent.
    “Seventeen,” said Moist.
    “But the dog just tried to—” Bent began.
    Moist waved away the objection. “So we have a deal, Mr. Dibbler?”
    “Yessir, thankyousir,” said Dibbler. “That’s a good idea you’ve got there, about the chain and everything, though, and I thank you. But I find that in this business it pays to be mobile.”
    Mr. Bent counted out fifteen dollars with bad grace and began to speak as soon as the door closed behind the trader.
    “Even the dog wouldn’t—”
    “But humans will, Mr. Bent,” said Moist. “And therein lies genius. I think he makes most of his money on the mustard, but there’s a man who can sell sizzle, Mr. Bent. And that is a seller’s market.”
    The last prospective borrower was heralded first by a couple of muscular men who took up positions on either side of the door, and then by a smell that overruled even the persistent odor of a Dibbler sausage. It wasn’t a particularly bad smell; it put you in mind of old potatoes or abandoned tunnels—it was what you got when you started out with severely foul stink and then scrubbed hard but ineffectually, and it surrounded King like an emperor’s cloak.
    Moist was astonished. King of the Golden River, they called him, because the foundation of his fortune was the daily collection of the urine his men made from every inn and pub in the city. The customers paid him to take it away, and the alchemists, tanners, and dyers paid him to bring it to them.
    But that was only the start.
    Harry King’s men took away everything. You saw their carts everywhere, especially around dawn. Every rag-and-bone man and rubbish picker, every dunnikin diver, every gongfermor, every scrap-metal merchant…you worked for Harry King, they said, because a broken leg was bad for business, and Harry King was all about business. They said that if a dog in the street looked even a bit strained, a King’s man would be there in a flash to hold a shovel under its arse, because prime dog muck fetched 9p a bucket from the high-class tanners. They paid Harry. The city paid Harry. Everyone paid Harry. And what he couldn’t sell back to them in more fragrant form went to feed his giant compost heaps downriver, which on frosty days sent up such great plumes of steam that kids called them the cloud factories.
    Apart from his hired help, Harry was accompanied by a skinny young man clutching a briefcase.
    “Nice place you got here,” said Harry, sitting down in the chair opposite Moist. “Very sound. The wife’s been on at me to get curtains like that. I’m Harry King, Mr. Lipwig. I’ve just put fifty thousand dollars in your bank.”
    “Thank you very much, Mr. King. We shall do our best to look after it.”
    “You do that. And now I’d like to borrow one hundred thousand, thank you,” said Harry, pulling out a fat cigar.
    “Have you got any security, Mr. King?” said Bent.
    Harry King didn’t even look at him. He lit the cigar, puffed it into life, and waved it in the general direction of Bent.
    “Who’s this, Mr. Lipwig?”
    “Mr. Bent is our chief cashier,” said Moist, not daring to look at Bent’s face.
    “A clerk, then,” said Harry King dismissively, “an’ that was a clerk’s question.”
    He leaned forward. “My name is Harry King. That’s your security, right there, an’ it should be good for a hundred grand in these parts. Harry King. Everyone knows me. I pay what’s owing an’ I take what’s owed, my word, don’t I just. My handshake is my fortune. Harry King.”
    He slammed his huge hands down on the table. Except for the pinkie of his left hand, which