Maybe the Moon

see this,” he said.
    “Oh, yeah.”
    “Then…what?”
    “I don’t know. Just being a pussy, I guess.”
    He laughed. “What can go wrong?”
    “A million things.”
    “Do you give a shit?”
    “No.”
    “Well, then…”
    “Will you help me with it?”
    “Sure, but…what about Neil? He knows a lot more about show business.”
    “If I wanted him, I’d ask him,” I said.
    “Oh. Sorry.”
    “Will you help me?”
    “What would I have to do?”
    “Oh,” I said, “stand around a lot and cope with rubber.”
    “I can handle that.”
    “I’ll bet.”
    He laughed, then turned sober again, obviously beginning to feel the weight of his impending responsibility. “I just thought of something,” he said. “What if they want you to walk on withCallum? As Mr. Woods, I mean. He’ll have to hang out with you backstage.”
    “That won’t happen,” I told him. “It’s too much at once: the grown-up Jeremy and the first sight of Mr. Woods. The audience wouldn’t be able to absorb it.”
    “I don’t know,” said Jeff. “They might think it was touching or something—the height difference.”
    “Yeah, but that’s not how Blenheim thinks. He’ll want the elf to come out on his own. My guess is that Callum’ll come on first and introduce Mr. Woods.”
    “Make sure you get your own dressing room,” he said.
    “All right.”
    “That way we can keep you hidden until the last minute.”
    “Good idea.”
    “And don’t let him give you any shit about that. You’re the one holding the cards here.”
    I got an actual lump in my throat, imagining my little nook between Bette’s and Barbra’s. “I should get off and call him,” I said.
    “Who?”
    “Leonard.”
    “No. Wait till he calls back. And agree to it very reluctantly. You can’t be enthusiastic all of a sudden. He’ll be suspicious.”
    “Oh, yeah.”
    “But don’t be bitter about it, either, or they’ll see you as dangerous.”
    “What a good criminal you make.”
    “Attitude is everything,” he said.
    “I have to go now. I want to think about this.”
    “I thought you’d decided.”
    “I have decided. I just have to let it soak in. Tell me something.”
    “What?”
    “You aren’t doing this just to embarrass Callum, are you?”
    He hesitated for a moment, then said: “Why should this embarrass him?”
    “Well…it’s not what they planned on.”
    “No, it’s a hundred times better. Nobody’s getting stiffed here, Cadence. This’ll work to everyone’s advantage, whether they know it or not. You watch. Even Blenheim will see how much more human and interesting this is.”
    “OK,” I told him. “You’re the one who’s responsible when the poo-poo hits the Panasonic.”
    “When the what ?”
    I giggled. “Leonard used to say that.”
    “Wouldn’t he just?”
    “I was trying to be Hollywood for you.”
    “Well, stop it.”
    “I’m hanging up now.”
    “Call me when you’ve heard from him.”
    “Don’t worry.”
    “This is my best idea ever,” Jeff announced.

    For the next two hours, I paced the backyard in a state of near delirium, while disaster and triumph fought for top billing in my mental movies. On the dark side was the notion that Leonard had already told Philip about my refusal and Philip had become so enraged that he’d checked The Guinness Book under “smallest” and was sparing no expense to acquire the twenty-nine-inch title holder from Yugoslavia. She’d be flown in like a live lobster just in time to save the day. Philip would be so grateful he’d break his vow of secrecy over the functioning of the elf and unleash a torrent of publicity for his new “pint-sized discovery.” I could see the little bimbo already, sitting prettily atop her luggage at LAX, blowing kisses to reporters as she recounts her life story in charmingly broken English.
    On the positive side, I saw amazing things in my future: a spread in Premiere magazine, a record contract, a custom-made role in Philip’s new musical, and, above all, Leonard, wearing his best shit-eating grin, taking credit for my success as if he’d believed in itall along. Neil would be so proud of me we’d end up frolicking openly on his AstroTurf for the “Couples” section of People . I could conjure up almost anything in those queasy hours in limbo, because I knew for sure—perhaps for the first time in my life—that almost anything was possible.
    When Leonard finally called, I adopted a weary, affable, slightly