Me Before You: A Novel

I felt properly despondent. There were just over three weeks to go, and I had failed. My contract was due to end, and I had done nothing to noticeably change Will’s mind. I was afraid to even ask Mrs Traynor where on earth we went from here. I felt suddenly overwhelmed. I dropped my head into my hands and, in the silent little house, I left it there.
    ‘Evening.’
    My head shot up. Nathan was standing there, filling the little kitchen with his bulk. He had his backpack over his shoulder.
    ‘I just came to drop off some prescription meds for when he gets back. You … okay?’
    I wiped briskly at my eyes. ‘Sure. Sorry. Just … just a little daunted about cancelling this lot.’
    Nathan swung his backpack off his shoulder and sat down opposite me. ‘It’s a pisser, that’s for sure.’ He picked up the folder, and began flicking through. ‘You want a hand tomorrow? They don’t want me at the hospital, so I could stop by for an hour in the morning. Help you put in the calls.’
    ‘That’s kind of you. But no. I’ll be fine. Probably simpler if I do it all.’
    Nathan made tea, and we sat opposite each other and drank it. I think it was the first time Nathan and I had really talked to each other – at least, without Will between us. He told me about a previous client of his, C3/4 quadriplegic with a ventilator, who had been ill at least once a month for the whole time he worked there. He told me about Will’s previous bouts of pneumonia, the first of which had nearly killed him, and from which it had taken him weeks to recover.
    ‘He gets this look in his eye … ’ he said. ‘When he’s really sick. It’s pretty scary. Like he just … retreats. Like he’s almost not even there.’
    ‘I know. I hate that look.’
    ‘He’s a –’ he began. And then, abruptly, his eyes slid away from me and he closed his mouth.
    We sat holding our mugs. From the corner of my eye I studied Nathan, looking at his friendly open face that seemed briefly to have closed off. And I realized I was about to ask a question to which I already knew the answer.
    ‘You know, don’t you?’
    ‘Know what?’
    ‘About … what he wants to do.’
    The silence in the room was sudden and intense.
    Nathan looked at me carefully, as if weighing up how to reply.
    ‘I know,’ I said. ‘I’m not meant to, but I do. That’s what … that’s what the holiday was meant to be about. That’s what the outings were all about. Me trying to change his mind.’
    Nathan put his mug on the table. ‘I did wonder,’ he said. ‘You seemed … to be on a mission.’
    ‘I was. Am.’
    He shook his head, whether to say I shouldn’t give up, or to tell me that nothing could be done, I wasn’t sure.
    ‘What are we going to do, Nathan?’
    It took him a moment or two before he spoke again. ‘You know what, Lou? I really like Will. I don’t mind telling you, I love the guy. I’ve been with him two years now. I’ve seen him at his worst, and I’ve seen him on his good days, and all I can say to you is I wouldn’t be in his shoes for all the money in the world.’
    He took a swig of his tea. ‘There have been times when I’ve stayed over and he’s woken up screaming because in his dreams he’s still walking and skiing and doing stuff and just for those few minutes, when his defences are right down and it’s all a bit raw, he literally can’t bear the thoughtof never doing it again. He can’t bear it. I’ve sat there with him and there is nothing I can say to the guy, nothing that is going to make it any better. He’s been dealt the shittiest hand of cards you can imagine. And you know what? I looked at him last night and I thought about his life and what it’s likely to become … and although there is nothing I’d like more in the world than for the big guy to be happy, I … I can’t judge him for what he wants to do. It’s his choice. It should be his choice.’
    My breath had started to catch in my throat. ‘But … that was before. You’ve all admitted that it was before I came. He’s different now. He’s different with me, right?’
    ‘Sure, but –’
    ‘But if we don’t have faith that he can feel better, even get better, then how is he supposed to keep the faith that good things might happen?’
    Nathan put his mug on the table. He looked straight into my eyes.
    ‘Lou. He’s not going to get better.’
    ‘You don’t know that.’
    ‘I do. Unless there is some massive breakthrough