Men at Arms

with an axe handle but, it is Not the Same.
“Hoping this finds you in Good Health, Yrs. faithfully,
“Your loving son, adopted,
Carrot.”
    He folded the letter up, inserted the iconographs, sealed it with a blob of candle wax pressed into place with his thumb, and put it in his pants pocket. Dwarf mail to the Ramtops was quite reliable. More and more dwarfs were coming to work in the city, and because dwarfs are very conscientious many of them sent money home. This made dwarf mail just about as safe as anything, since their mail was closely guarded. Dwarfs are very attached to gold. Any highwayman demanding “Your money or your life” had better bring a folding chair and packed lunch and a book to read while the debate goes on.
    Then Carrot washed his face, donned his leather shirt and trousers and chainmail, buckled on his breastplate and, with his helmet under his arm, stepped out cheerfully, ready to face whatever the future would bring.

    This was another room, somewhere else.
    It was a poky room, the plaster walls crumbling, the ceilings sagging like the underside of a fat man’s bed. And it was made even more crowded by the furniture.
    It was old, good furniture, but this wasn’t the place for it. It belonged in high echoing halls. Here, it was crammed. There were dark oak chairs. There were long sideboards. There was even a suit of armor. There was barely room for the half dozen or so people who sat at the huge table. There was barely room for the table.
    A clock ticked in the shadows.
    The heavy velvet curtains were drawn, even though there was still plenty of daylight left in the sky. The air was stifling, both from the heat of the day and the candles in the magic lantern.
    The only illumination was from the screen which, at that moment, was portraying a very good profile of Corporal Carrot Ironfoundersson.
    The small but very select audience watched it with the carefully blank expressions of people who are half convinced that their host is several cards short of a full deck but are putting up with it because they’ve just eaten a meal and it would be rude to leave too soon.
    “Well?” said one of them. “I think I’ve seen him walking around the city. So? He’s just a watchman, Edward.”
    “Of course. It is essential that he should be. A humble station in life. It all fits the classic p-attern.” Edward d’Eath gave a signal. There was a click as another glass slide was slotted in. “ This one was not p-ainted from life. King P-paragore. Taken from an old p-ainting. This one”— click! —“is King Veltrick III. From another p-portrait. This one is Queen Alguinna IV…note the line of the chin? This one”— click! —“is a sevenpenny p-iece from the reign of Webblethorpe the Unconscious, note again the detail of the chin and general b-bone structure, and this”— click! —“is…an upside d-own picture of a vase of flowers. D-elphini-ums, I believe. Why is this?”
    “Er, sorry, Mr. Edward, I’ad a few glass plates left and the demons weren’t tired and—”
    “Next slide, please. And then you may leave us.”
    “Yes, Mr. Edward.”
    “Report to the d-uty torturer.”
    “Yes, Mr. Edward.”
    Click!
    “And this is a rather good—well done, Bl-enkin—image of the bust of Queen Coanna.”
    “Thank you, Mr. Edward.”
    “More of her face would have enabled us to be certain of the likeness, however. There is sufficient, I believe. You may go, Bl-enkin.”
    “Yes, Mr. Edward.”
    “A little something off the ears, I th-ink.”
    “Yes, Mr. Edward.”
    The servant respectfully shut the door behind him, and then went down to the kitchen shaking his head sadly. The d’Eaths hadn’t been able to afford a family torturer for years. For the boy’s sake he’d just have to do the best he could with a kitchen knife.
    The visitors waited for the host to speak, but he didn’t seem about to do so, although it was sometimes hard to tell with Edward. When he was excited, he suffered not so much from a speech impediment as from misplaced pauses, as if his brain were temporarily putting his mouth on hold.
    Eventually, one of the audience said: “Very well. So what is your point?”
    “You’ve seen the likeness. Isn’t if ob-vious?”
    “Oh, come now—”
    Edward d’Eath pulled a leather case toward him and began undoing the thongs.
    “But, but the boy was adopted by Discworld dwarfs. They found him as a baby in the forests of the Ramtop mountains. There were some b-urning