Men at Arms

wagons, corpses, that sort of thing. B-andit attack, apparently. The dwarfs found a sword in the wreckage. He has it now. A very old sword. And it’s always sharp.”
    “So? The world is full of old swords. And grindstones.”
    “This one had been very well hidden in one of the carts, which had broken up. Strange. One would expect it to be ready to hand, yes? To be used? In b-andit country? And then the boy grows up and, and…Fate…conspires that he and his sword come to Ankh-Morpork, where he is currently a watchman in the Night Watch. I couldn’t believe it!”
    “That’s still not—”
    Edward raised his hand a moment, and then pulled out a package from the case.
    “I made careful enq-uiries, you know, and was able to find the place where the attack occurred. A most careful search of the ground revealed old cart n-ails, a few copper coins and, in some charcoal…this.”
    They craned to see.
    “Looks like a ring.”
    “Yes. It’s, it’s, it’s superficially d-iscolored, of course, otherwise someone would have spot-ted it. Probably secreted somewhere on a cart. I’ve had it p-artly cleaned. You can just read the inscription. Now, here is an illustrated inventory of the royal jewelery of Ankh done in AM 907, in the reign of King Tyrril. May I, please, may I draw your a-ttention to the small wedding ring in the bottom left-hand corner of the page? You will see that the artist has hel-pfully drawn the inscription.”
    It took several minutes for everyone to examine it. They were naturally suspicious people. They were all descendants of people for whom suspicion and paranoia had been prime survival traits.
    Because they were all aristocrats. Not one among them did not know the name of his or her great-great-great-grandfather and what embarrassing disease he’d died of.
    They had just eaten a not-very-good meal which had, however, included some ancient and worthwhile wines. They’d attended because they’d all known Edward’s father, and the d’Eaths were a fine old family, if now in very reduced circumstances.
    “So you see,” said Edward proudly, “the evidence is overwhelming. We have a king!”
    His audience tried to avoid looking at each other’s faces.
    “I thought you’d be pl-eased,” said Edward.
    Finally, Lord Rust voiced the unspoken consensus. There was no room in those true-blue eyes for pity, which was not a survival trait, but sometimes it was possible to risk a little kindness.
    “Edward,” he said, “the last king of Ankh-Morpork died centuries ago.”
    “Executed by t-raitors!”
    “Even if a descendant could still be found, the royal blood would be somewhat watered down by now, don’t you think?”
    “The royal b-lood cannot be wa-tered down!”
    Ah, thought Lord Rust. So he’s that kind. Young Edward thinks the touch of a king can cure scrofula, as if royalty was the equivalent of a sulphur ointment. Young Edward thinks that there is no lake of blood too big to wade through to put a rightful king on a throne, no deed too base in defense of a crown. A romantic, in fact.
    Lord Rust was not a romantic. The Rusts had adapted well to Ankh-Morpork’s post-monarchy centuries by buying and selling and renting and making contacts and doing what aristocrats have always done, which is trim sails and survive.
    “Well, maybe,” he conceded, in the gentle tones of someone trying to talk someone else off a ledge, “but we must ask ourselves: does Ankh-Morpork, at this point in time, require a king?”
    Edward looked at him as though he were mad.
    “Need? Need? While our fair city languishes under the heel of the ty-rant?”
    “Oh. You mean Vetinari.”
    “Can’t you see what he’s done to this city?”
    “He is a very unpleasant, jumped-up little man,” said Lady Selachii, “but I would not say he actually terrorizes much. Not as such.”
    “You have to hand it to him,” said Viscount Skater, “the city operates. More or less. Fellas and whatnot do things.”
    “The streets are safer than they used to be under Mad Lord Snapcase,” said Lady Selachii.
    “Sa-fer? Vetinari set up the Thieves’ Guild!” shouted Edward.
    “Yes, yes, of course, very reprehensible, certainly. On the other hand, a modest annual payment and one walks in safety…”
    “He always says,” said Lord Rust, “that if you’re going to have crime, it might as well be organized crime.”
    “Seems to me,” said Viscount Skater, “that all the Guild chappies put up with him because