Men at Arms

humanity from people. That was something else.
    The point was…well, he didn’t like dwarfs and trolls. But he didn’t like anyone very much. The point was that he moved in their company every day, and he had a right to dislike them. The point was that no fat idiot had the right to say things like that.
    He stared at the water. One of the piles of the bridge was right below him; the Ankh sucked and gurgled around it. Debris—baulks of timber, branches, rubbish—had piled up in a sort of sordid floating island. There was even fungus growing on it.
    What he could do with right now was a bottle of Bearhugger’s. The world swam into focus when you looked at it through the bottom of a bottle.
    Something else swam into focus.
    Doctrine of signatures, thought Vimes. That’s what the herbalists call it. It’s like the gods put a “Use Me” label on plants. If a plant looks like a part of the body, it’s good for ailments peculiar to that part. There’s teethwort for teeth, spleenwort for…spleens, eyebright for eyes…there’s even a toadstool called Phallus impudicus , and I don’t know what that’s for but Nobby is a big man for mushroom omelettes. Now…either that fungus down there is exactly the medicine for hands, or…
    Vimes sighed.
    “Carrot, can you go and get a boathook, please?”
    Carrot followed his gaze.
    “Just to the left of that log, Carrot.”
    “Oh, no!”
    “I’m afraid so. Haul it out, find out who he was, make out a report for Sergeant Colon.”
    The corpse was a clown. Once Carrot had climbed down the pile and moved the debris aside, he floated face up, a big sad grin painted on his face.
    “He’s dead!”
    “Catching, isn’t it?”
    Vimes looked at the grinning corpse. Don’t investigate. Keep out of it. Leave it to the Assassins and bloody Quirke. These are your orders.
    “Corporal Carrot?”
    “Sir?”
    These are your orders …
    Well, damn that. What did Vetinari think he was? Some kind of clockwork soldier?
    “We’re going to find out what’s been going on here.”
    “Yes, sir!”
    “Whatever else happens. We’re going to find out.”

    The river Ankh is probably the only river in the universe on which the investigators can chalk the outline of the corpse.
“Dear Sgt Colon,
“I hope you are well. The weather is Fine. This is a corpse who, we fished out of the river last night but, we don’t know who he is except he is a member of the Fools’ Guild called Beano. He has been seriously hit on the back of the head and has been stuck under the bridge for some time, he is not a Pretty sight. Captain Vimes says to find out things. He says he thinks it is mixed up with the Murder of Mr. Hammerhock. He says talk to the Fools. He says Do It. Also please find attached Piece of Paper. Captain Vimes says, try it out on the Alchemists—”
    Sergeant Colon stopped reading for a while to curse all alchemists.
“—because it is Puzzling Evidence. Hoping this finds you in Good Health, Yours Faithfully, Carrot Ironfoundersson, (Cpl).”
    The sergeant scratched his head. What the hell did that all mean?
    Just after breakfast a couple of senior jesters from the Fools’ Guild had come to pick up the corpse. Corpses in the river…well, there was nothing very unusual about that. But it wasn’t the way clowns died, usually. After all, what did a clown have that was worth stealing? What sort of danger was a clown?
    As for the alchemists, he was blowed if he was—
    Of course, he didn’t have to. He looked up at the recruits. They had to be good for something.
    “Cuddy and Detritus— don’t salute! —I’ve got a little job for you. Just take this piece of paper to the Alchemists’ Guild, all right? And ask one of the loonies to tell you what he makes of it.”
    “Where’s the Alchemists’ Guild, sergeant?” said Cuddy.
    “In the Street of Alchemists, of course,” said Colon, “at the moment. But I should run, if I was you.”

    The Alchemists’ Guild is opposite the Gamblers’ Guild. Usually. Sometimes it’s above it, or below it, or falling in bits around it.
    The gamblers are occasionally asked why they continue to maintain an establishment opposite a Guild which accidentally blows up its Guild Hall every few months, and they say: “Did you read the sign on the door when you came in?”
    The troll and the dwarf walked toward it, occasionally barging into each other by deliberate accident.
    “Anyway, you so clever, he gave paper to me? ”
    “Hah! Can you