Men at Arms

nodding.
    “Incidentally, do you know what it is they—” Cuddy began, but Nobby nudged him into silence.
    “You and me, sergeant?” said Carrot. “And you, Lance-Constable Angua.”
    “Oh dear,” said Sergeant Colon.
    But they followed Carrot into the somber buildings and along the gloomy corridors to Dr. Whiteface’s office. The chief of all the clowns, fools and jesters was standing in the middle of the floor, while a jester tried to sew extra sequins on his coat.
    “Well?”
    “’Evening, doctor,” said Carrot.
    “I should like to make it clear that Lord Vetinari will be hearing about this directly,” said Dr. Whiteface.
    “Oh, yes. I shall tell him,” said Carrot.
    “I can’t imagine why you’re bothering me when there’s rioting in the streets.”
    “Ah, well…we shall deal with that later. But Captain Vimes always told me, sir, that there’s big crimes and little crimes. Sometimes the little crimes look big and the big crimes you can hardly see, but the crucial thing is to decide which is which.”
    They stared at one another.
    “Well?” the clown demanded.
    “I should like you to tell me,” said Carrot, “about events in this Guild House the night before last.”
    Dr. Whiteface stared at him in silence.
    Then he said, “If I don’t?”
    “Then,” said Carrot, “I am afraid I shall, with extreme reluctance, be forced to carry out the order I was given just before entering.”
    He glanced at Colon. “That’s right, isn’t it, sergeant?”
    “What? Eh? Well, yes—”
    “I would much prefer not to do so, but I have no choice,” said Carrot.
    Dr. Whiteface glared at the two of them.
    “But this is Guild property! You have no right to…to…”
    “I don’t know about that, I’m only a corporal,” said Carrot. “But I’ve never disobeyed a direct order yet, and I am sorry to have to tell you that I will carry out this one fully and to the letter.”
    “Now, see here—”
    Carrot moved a little closer.
    “If it’s any comfort, I’ll probably be ashamed about it,” he said.
    The clown stared into his honest eyes and saw, as did everyone, only simple truth.
    “Listen! If I shout,” said Dr. Whiteface, going red under his makeup, “I can have a dozen men in here.”
    “Believe me,” said Carrot, “that will only make it easier for me to obey.”
    Dr. Whiteface prided himself on his ability to judge character. In Carrot’s resolute expression there was nothing but absolute, meticulous honesty. He fiddled with a quill pen and then threw it down in a sudden movement.
    “Confound it!” he shouted. “How did you find out, eh? Who told you?”
    “I really couldn’t say,” said Carrot. “But it makes sense anyway. There’s only one entrance to each Guild, but the Guild Houses are back to back. Someone just had to cut through the wall.”
    “I assure you we didn’t know about it,” said the clown.
    Sergeant Colon was lost in admiration. He’d seen people bluff on a bad hand, but he’d never seen anyone bluff with no cards.
    “We thought it was just a prank,” said the clown. “We thought young Beano had just done it with humorous intent, and then he turned up dead and we didn’t—”
    “You’d better show me the hole,” said Carrot.

    The rest of the Watch stood to variations on the theme of At Ease in the courtyard.
    “Corporal Nobbs?”
    “Yes, Lance-Constable Cuddy?”
    “What is it everyone says about dwarfs?”
    “Oh, come on, you’re pulling my leg, right? Everyone knows that who knows anything about dwarfs,” said Nobby.
    Cuddy coughed.
    “Dwarfs don’t,” he said.
    “What do you mean, dwarfs don’t?”
    “No one’s told us what everyone knows about dwarfs,” said Cuddy.
    “Well…I expect they thought you knew,” said Nobby, weakly.
    “Not me.”
    “Oh, all right ,” said Nobby. He glanced at the trolls, then leaned across to Cuddy and whispered in the approximate region of his ear.
    Cuddy nodded.
    “Oh, is that all?”
    “Yes. Er…is it true?”
    “What? Oh, yes. Of course. It’s nat’ral for a dwarf. Some have got more than others, of course.”
    “That’s the case all round,” said Nobby.
    “I myself, for example, have saved more than seventy-eight dollars.”
    “ No ! I mean, no. I mean, I don’t mean well-endowed with money . I mean…” Nobby whispered again. Cuddy’s expression didn’t change.
    Nobby waggled his eyebrows. “True, is it?”
    “How should I know? I don’t know how much money