Monstrous Regiment

officers. “I believe we can dispense with the guard now, don’t you? This matter should be handled quietly. And, for heavens’ sake, can’t we find this man a pair of pants?”
    There were a few murmurs. The man nodded to the sergeant of the guard. The armed men filed out, and the door shut behind them.
    “My name is Lord Rust,” said the man. “I head the Ankh-Morpork detachment here. At least,” and he sniffed, “the military detachment. You have been treated well? You have not been manhandled? I see there is a…young lady on the floor.”
    “She’s in a swoon, sir,” said Polly. The blue eyes lighted upon her.
    “You would be—?” he said.
    “Corporal Perks, sir,” said Polly. There were some barely suppressed smiles from the officers.
    “Ah. I believe you are the one seeking her brother?” said Lord Rust.
    “How do you know that?” said Polly.
    “We are an, mm, efficient army,” said Rust and treated himself to a little smile of his own. “Your brother’s name is Paul?”
    “Yes!”
    “We shall locate him, eventually. And I understand another lady was seeking her young man?”
    Shufti curtsied nervously.
    “Me, sir.”
    “Again, we shall locate him, if you give us his name. Now, please listen to me carefully. You, Miss Perks, and the rest of you, will be taken from here, tonight, entirely unharmed, and escorted back into your country as far as our patrols can take you, which, I suspect, will be quite a long way. Is that understood? You will have what you came for. Won’t that be nice? And you will not return here. The troll and the vampire have been captured. The same offer applies to them.”
    Polly was watching the officers. They looked nervous……except for one at the back. She’d thought all the guards had gone, and, while this man was dressed like a guard—dressed, that is, like a badly dressed guard—he wasn’t acting like one.
    He was leaning against the wall by the door, smoking half a cigar and grinning. He looked like a man enjoying a show.
    “Very generously,” Rust went on, “this offer applies to you too, Lieutenant…Blouse, wasn’t it? But in your case, you would be on parole in a house in Zlobenia, very pleasant I understand, healthy walks in the countryside and all that sort of thing. This offer has not been extended to your superior officers here, I may add.”
    So why make it to us? Polly thought. Are you frightened? Of a bunch of girls ? And that makes no sense…
    Behind the officers, the man with the cigar winked at Polly. His uniform was very old-fashioned—an ancient helmet, a breastplate, some slightly rusted chain mail, and big boots. He wore it like a workman wears his overalls. Unlike the braid and brilliance in front of her, the only statement his clothes made was that he didn’t intend to get hurt. It had no insignia that Polly could see, apart from a small shield hooked onto the breastplate.
    “If you will excuse me a moment,” said Blouse, “I will consult with my men.”
    “Men?” said Rust. “They’re a bunch of women, man!”
    “But at this moment, sir,” said Blouse coolly, “I would not exchange them for any six men you could offer me. If you gentlemen would care to wait outside?”
    Behind the group, the badly dressed man burst into silent laughter. His sense of humor was not shared by the rest of the group, however.
    “You cannot possibly consider refusing this offer!” said Lord Rust.
    “Nevertheless, sir,” said Blouse. “We will take a few minutes. I think the ladies would prefer some privacy. One of them is expecting a child.”
    “What, here? ” As one man, the group drew back.
    “Not yet, I believe. But if you would just step outside—”
    When the officers had retreated to the masculine safety of the corridor, the lieutenant turned to his squad.
    “Well, men? For you, it is a very attractive offer, I have to say.”
    “Not for us!” said Tonker. Lofty nodded.
    “Nor me,” said Shufti.
    “Why not?” said Blouse. “You would get your husband.”
    “That might be a bit difficult,” mumbled Shufti. “Anyway, what about the invasion?”
    “I’m not going to be sent home like a package,” said Igorina. “Anyway, that man has an objectionable bone structure.”
    “Well, Private Goom can’t join us right now,” sighed Blouse. “So that leaves you, Polly.”
    “Why are they doing this?” said Polly. “Why do they want us out of the way? Why aren’t they just leaving us locked up? This place