Monstrous Regiment

of you, hurry up and wait!”
    “Sergeant Jac…er, Sergeant Major?” said Blouse.
    “Yessir?”
    “I’m not a captain, you know.”
    “Are you not?” said Jackrum, grinning. “Well, leave it to Jackrum, sir. We shall see what the day brings, eh? Minor point, sir. I should lose the dress if I was you!”
    Jackrum marched off, his inflated chest as red as a robin’s and twice as threatening. He shouted at orderlies, harried guards, saluted officers, and, despite everything, hammered the blade of purpose out of the red-hot steel of panic. He was a sergeant major in a roomful of confused ruperts, and he was happier than a terrier in a barrel of rats.
    Stopping a battle is much harder that starting it. Starting it only requires you to shout “Attack!,” but when you want to stop it, everyone is busy.
    Polly could feel the news spreading. They’re girls! The orderlies scuttling in and out once more kept staring at them, as if they were some kind of strange insects. I wonder how many Jackrum missed, Polly thought. I wonder…
    Bits of uniform turned up. Jade found some trousers that fitted by locating a clerk who was Polly’s height, lifting him up and pulling them off him. A jacket was acquired. Lofty even stole a shako of the right size and polished the badge with her sleeve until it gleamed.
    Polly was just doing up the belt when she spotted a figure on the far side of the room. She’d completely forgotten about him.
    She pulled the belt tight and thrust the leather through the buckle as she walked and then strode through the crowds of figures. Strappi saw her coming, but it was too late. There was no escape short of running, and captains didn’t run from corporals. He stood his ground, like a rabbit hypnotized by the approaching vixen, and raised his hands as she approached.
    “Now then, Perks, I’m a captain and I had a job to—” he began.
    “And how long do you think you’ll hold that rank now, sir? ” hissed Polly. “If I tell the general about our little fight? And how you sicced the prince onto us? And how you bullied Wazzer? And about my hair, you sticky little miserable apology for a man! Shufti’s a better man than you, and she’s pregnant!”
    “Oh, we knew there were women getting in,” said Strappi. “We just didn’t know how the rot went—”
    “You took my hair because you thought it meant something to me,” hissed Polly. “Well, you can keep it! I’ll grow some more, and no one is going to stop me, understand? Oh, and one other thing. This is how far the rot goes!”
    It was a blow rather than a slap, and it knocked him down so hard that he rolled. But he was Strappi, and staggered upright with a finger pointed for vengeance.
    “She struck a superior officer!” he screamed.
    A few heads turned. They looked at Strappi. They looked at Polly. Then they looked back, grinning, at what they were doing.
    “I should run away again, if I was you,” said Polly.
    She turned on her heel, feeling the heat of his impotent fury.
    As she was about to rejoin Jade and Maladict, someone touched her arm. She spun around.
    “What? Oh…sorry, Major Clogston,” she said relaxing. She felt she wouldn’t be able to deal with Strappi again, not without committing murder. That would probably get her into trouble, even now.
    “I should like to thank you for a most enjoyable day,” said the major. “I did my best, but I think we were all…outclassed.”
    “Thank you, sir,” said Polly.
    “This was a pleasure, Corporal Perks,” said Clogston. “I shall watch your future career with interest and envy. Congratulations. And since in here protocol seems to be flapping loose, I will shake you by the hand.”
    They did so. “And now, we have duties,” said Major Clogston as Jade arrived with a white sheet on a pole. “Oh, and by the way…my name is Christine. But, you know, I really don’t think I could get used to wearing a dress again…”

    Maladict and Jade were chosen to see Polly through the castle, a troll because a troll commands respect and a vampire because a vampire demands it.
    There were groans and cheers as they elbowed their way along the passages, because news had already got around. That was another reason for taking Jade. Trolls could push.
    “Okay,” said Jackrum, bringing up the rear. “At the bottom of these steps there’s a door, and beyond that door is enemy territory. Put the white flag out first. Important safety tip.”
    “Can’t you come with us,