Monstrous Regiment

right, what did I do wrong?”
    “Sometimes you forget to lisp,” said Polly. “But mostly…it’s just a feeling. Little things about the way you move, maybe.”
    “The word you’re looking for is ‘Igorina,’” said Igorina. “We don’t lisp as much as the boys. It’s a style thing.”
    They continued in more silence until Polly said, “I thought it was bad enough cutting my hair—”
    “The stitches?” said Igorina. “I can have them out in five minuteth. They’re just for show.”
    Polly hesitated. But, after all, Igors had to be trustworthy, didn’t they?
    “You didn’t cut your hair?”
    “Actually, I just removed it,” said Igorina.
    “I put mine in my pack,” Polly went on, trying not to look at the stitches around Igorina’s head.
    “So did I,” said Igorina. “In a jar. It’s thtill growing.”
    Polly swallowed. You needed a lack of graphic imagination to talk about personal issues with an Igor.
    “Mine was stolen back at the barracks. I’m sure it was Strappi,” she said.
    “Oh dear.”
    “I hate to think of him with it!”
    “Why did you bring it?”
    And that was the question. She’d planned, and she’d been good at planning. She’d fooled the rest of them, even. She’d been cool and sensible and she hadn’t felt more than a faint pang at cutting off her hair—
    —and she’d brought it with her. Why? She could have thrown it away. It wasn’t magic. It was just hair. She could have thrown it away, just like that. Easily. But…but…ah, right, the maids could have found it. That was it. She had to get it out of the house quickly. Right. And then she could bury it somewhere when she was a long way away. Right.
    But she hadn’t, had she…
    She’d been very busy . Right, said the little voice in inner treachery. She had been very busy fooling everyone but herself, right?
    “What could Strappi do?” said Igorina. “Jackrum’d knock him over the moment he thaw him. He’s a deserter, and a thief!”
    “Yeas, but he could tell someone,” said Polly.
    “Okay, then say it’s a lock of hair from the sweetheart you left behind you. Lots of soldiers carry a locket or something like that. You know: ‘Her golden hair in ringleth fair,’ like the song says.”
    “It was all my hair! A locket? You couldn’t hold it all in your hat!”
    “Ah,” said Igorina. “Then you could thay you loved her very much ?”
    Despite everything, Polly started to laugh, and couldn’t stop herself. She bit her sleeve and tried to keep going, with her shoulders shaking.
    Something that felt like a small tree prodded her in the back.
    “Youse two oughta keep der noise down,” rumbled Jade.
    “Sorry. Sorry,” hissed Polly.
    Igorina started to hum. Polly knew the song.
I’m lonesome since I crossed the hill
And o’er the moor and valley…
    And she vowed: not that one, too. One song is enough. And I want to leave the girl behind me, but it seems I brought her with me instead…
    At which point they emerged from the trees and saw the red glow.
    The rest of the squad were already gathered around, watching it. It covered quite a lot of the horizon, and brightened and faded in places as they watched.
    “Is that hell?” said Wazzer.
    “No, but men have made it so, I fear,” said the lieutenant. “That is the Kneck Valley.”
    “It’s on fire, sir?” said Polly.
    “Bless you, that’s just the light of cooking fires reflected off the clouds,” said Sergeant Jackrum. “Always looks bad by night, a battlefield. Not to worry, lads!”
    “What’re they cooking, elephants?” said Maladict.
    “And what’s that?” said Polly, pointing to a nearby hill, darker still against the night. On it, a little light was flickering on and off, very fast. There was a whoosh and a metallic “pop” as Blouse pulled out a small telescope and opened it up.
    “It’s a light clacks, the devils!” he said.
    “Dere’s another one over dere,” rumbled Jade, pointing to a hill a lot further away. “Twinkle, twinkle.”
    Polly stared at the redness in the sky, and then at the cold little light, winking on and off. Quiet, soft light. Harmless light. And behind it, a burning sky…
    “It’ll be in code,” said Blouse. “Spies, I’ll be bound.”
    “A light clacks?” said Tonker. “What’s that?”
    “An Abomination In The Eyes Of Nuggan,” said Blouse. “Unfortunately, because they’d be damn useful if we could have ’em too, eh, Sergeant?”
    “Yessir,” said Jackrum