Monstrous Regiment

came out before she could stop them. And that’s it, she thought, the shout heard round the world. No going back after this. I’ve run off the edge of the cliff and it’s all downhill from here.
    Jackrum’s expression stayed blank for a second or two, and then he said, “Anyone else voting for the Keep?”
    Polly looked at Shufti, who blushed.
    But:
    “We are,” said Tonker. Beside her, Lofty struck a match, and held it so that it flared. That was pretty much a speech from Lofty.
    “Why, pray?” said Jackrum.
    “We don’t want to sit around in a swamp,” said Tonker. “And we don’t like being ordered about.”
    “Should have thought of that before you joined an army, lad!”
    “We aren’t lads, Sarge.”
    “You are if I says you are!”
    Well, it’s not as though I wasn’t expecting it, Polly thought. I’ve played this out enough times in my head. Here goes…
    “All right, Sarge,” she said. “It’s time to have it out, here and now.”
    “Ooo, er,” said Jackrum theatrically, fishing his screwed-up paper of tobacco out of his pocket.
    “What?”
    Jackrum sat down on the remains of a wall. “Just injecting a little sauciness into the conversation,” he said. “Carry on, Perks. Have your say. I thought it’d come to this.”
    “You know I’m a woman, Sarge,” said Polly.
    “Yup. I wouldn’t trust you to shave cheese.”
    The squad stared. Jackrum opened his big knife and examined the chewing tobacco as though it was the most interesting thing present.
    “So…er…what are you going to do about it?” said Polly, feeling derailed.
    “Dunno. Can’t do anything, can I? You were born like it.”
    “You didn’t tell Blouse!” said Polly.
    “Nope.”
    Polly wanted to knock the wretched tobacco out of the sergeant’s hand. Now that she had got over the surprise, there was something offensive about this lack of reaction. It was like someone opening a door just before your battering ram hit it; suddenly you were running through the building and not certain how to stop.
    “Well, we’re all women, Sarge,” said Tonker. “How about that?”
    Jackrum sawed at the tobacco.
    “So?” he said, still paying attention to the job in hand.
    “What?” said Polly.
    “Think no one else ever tried it? Think you’re the only ones? Think your ol’ Sarge is deaf, blind, and stupid? You could fool one another and anyone can fool a rupert, but you can’t fool Jackrum. Weren’t sure about Maladict and still ain’t, because with a vampire, who knows? And not sure about you, Carborundum, because with a troll, who cares? No offense.”
    “None taken,” rumbled Jade. She caught Polly’s eye and shrugged.
    “Not so good at reading the signs, not knowing many trolls,” said the sergeant. “I had you down pat in the first minute, Ozz. Something in the eyes, I reckon. Like…you were watching to see how good you were.”
    Oh hell, Polly thought. “Er…do I have a pair of socks belonging to you?”
    “Yep. Well-washed, I might add.”
    “You’ll have them back right now!” said Polly, grabbing for her belt.
    “In your own time, Perks, in your own time, no rush,” said Jackrum raising a hand. “Well-washed, please.”
    “ Why , Sarge?” said Tonker. “Why didn’t you give us away? You could’ve given us away any time!”
    Jackrum slewed his wad from cheek to cheek and sat chewing for a while, staring at nothing.
    “No, you ain’t the first,” he said. “I’ve seen a few. Mostly by themselves, always frightened…and mostly they didn’t last long. But one or two of them were bonny soldiers, very bonny soldiers indeed. So I looked at you lot and I thought to myself, well now, I thought, I wonder how they’ll do when they find out they’re not alone? You know about lions?” They nodded. “Well, the lion is a big ol’ coward, mostly. If you want trouble, you want to tangle with the lioness. They’re killers, and they hunt together. It’s the same everywhere. If you want big grief, look to the ladies. Even with insects, right? There’s a kind of beetle where she bites his head off right while he’s exercisin’ his conjugals, and that’s what I call serious grief. On the other hand, from what I heard, he carries on regardless, so maybe it’s not the same for beetles.”
    He looked around at their blank expressions.
    “No?” he said. “Well, maybe I thought, a whole bunch of girls all at once, that’s…strange. Maybe there’s a reason.” Polly saw him glance