Much Obliged, Jeeves

Engaged to Florence, eh? Well, well.’
    A less tactful man than Bertram Wooster might have gone on to add ‘oh, tough luck I ‘ or something along those lines, for there was no question but that the unhappy man was properly up against it, but if there’s one thing the Woosters have in heaping measure, it is tact. I merely gripped his hand, gave it a shake and wished him happiness. He thanked me for this.
    ‘You’re lucky,’ I said, wearing the mask.
    ‘Don’t I know it!’
    ‘She’s a charming girl,’ I said, still wearing as above.
    ‘That just describes her.’
    ‘Intellectual, too.’
    ‘Distinctly. Writes novels.’
    ‘Always at it.’
    ‘Did you read Spindrift?’
    ‘Couldn’t put it down,’ I said, cunningly not revealing that I hadn’t been able to take it up. ‘Did you see the play?’
    ‘Twice. Too bad it didn’t run. Gorringe’s adaptation was the work of an ass.’
    ‘I spotted him as an ass the first time I saw him.’
    ‘It’s a pity Florence didn’t.’
    ‘Yes. By the way, what became of Gorringe? When last heard of, she was engaged to him.’
    ‘She broke it off.’
    ‘Very wise of her. He had long side-whiskers.’
    ‘She considered him responsible for the failure of the play and told him so.’
    ‘She would.’
    ‘What do you mean she would?’
    ‘Her nature is so frank, honest and forthright.’
    ‘It is, isn’t it.’
    ‘She speaks her mind.’
    ‘Invariably.’
    ‘It’s an admirable trait.’
    ‘Oh, most.’
    ‘You can’t get away with much with a girl like Florence.’
    ‘No.’
    We fell into a silence. He was twiddling his fingers and a sort of what-d’you-call-it had come into his manner, as if he wanted to say something but was having trouble in getting it out. I remembered encountering a similar diffidence in the Rev. Stinker Pinker when he was trying to nerve himself to ask me to come to Totleigh Towers, and you find the same thing in dogs when they put a paw on your knee and look up into your face but don’t utter, though making it clear that there is a subject on which they are anxious to touch.
    ‘Bertie,’ he said at length.
    ‘Hullo?’
    ‘Bertie.’
    ‘Yes?’
    ‘Bertie.’
    ‘Still here. Excuse me asking, but have you any cracked gramophone record blood in you? Perhaps your mother was frightened by one?’
    And then it all came out in a rush as if a cork had been pulled.
    ‘Bertie, there’s something I must tell you about Florence, though you probably know it already, being a cousin of hers. She’s a wonderful girl and practically perfect in every respect, but she has one characteristic which makes it awkward for those who love her and are engaged to her. Don’t think I’m criticizing her.’
    ‘No, no.’
    ‘I’m just mentioning it.’
    ‘Exactly.’
    ‘Well, she has no use for a loser. To keep her esteem you have to be a winner. She’s like one of those princesses in the fairy tales who set fellows some task to perform, as it might be scaling a mountain of glass or bringing her a hair from the beard of the Great Cham of Tartary, and gave them the brush-off when they couldn’t make the grade.’
    I recalled the princesses of whom he spoke, and I had always thought them rather fatheads. I mean to say, what sort of foundation for a happy marriage is the bridegroom’s ability to scale mountains of glass? A fellow probably wouldn’t be called on to do it more than about once every ten years, if that.
    ‘Gorringe,’ said Ginger, continuing, ‘was a loser, and that dished him. And long ago, someone told me, she was engaged to a gentleman jockey and she chucked him because he took a spill at the canal turn in the Grand National. She’s a perfectionist. I admire her for it, of course.’
    ‘Of course.’
    ‘A girl like her is entitled to have high standards.’
    ‘Quite.’
    ‘But, as I say, it makes it awkward for me. She has set her heart on my winning this Market Snodsbury election, heaven knows why, for I never thought she had any interest in politics, and if I lose it, I shall lose her, too. So—’
    ‘Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the party?’
    ‘Exactly. You are going to canvass for me. Well, canvass like a ton of bricks, and see that Jeeves does the same. I’ve simply got to win.’
    ‘You can rely on us.’
    ‘Thank you, Bertie, I knew I could. And now let’s go in and have a bite of lunch.’

CHAPTER Four

    Having restored the tissues with the excellent nourishment which