My Everything

I didn’t know she was a fan until we got here. I suppose ‘who’s your favorite band’ was a topic of conversation we should’ve had in Africa. Not a conversation I’m excited to have.
     
    We hold hands as we walk down the street. Aubrey huddles close to me, cold. I feel bad for her and know that we need to hit the mall and buy her some more functional clothes. The stuff she bought with my mother is too… fashionable or maybe she just needs to get used to the cold. I mean, it’s not that cold, but it is when you’ve lived in the scorching heat your whole life. I wrap my arm around her, hoping to provide more body heat.
    I pull us up short and unlock the red door that leads to my practice. When she steps inside, her eyes go wide. My practice is decorated in reds, blues and greens on one side and pinks, purples and yellows on the other. In one corner stands a dollhouse and cradle filled with baby dolls and a plastic play family. The boy’s side has fire trucks, building blocks and army figures that Noah insisted on putting in here.
    Aubrey steps away from me and looks around. “You made your office a fun zone.”
    I come up behind her, encasing her in my arms. I like that I can rest my head on top of hers, it makes me feels as if I’m protecting her somehow. “Little kids hate the doctor’s office. They know this is where they come to get shots. I had to give them a little bit of happiness.”
    “It’s great.”
    I rub my hands up and down her arms. “Come on, I’ll show you around.” I take her hand in mine and lead her down the hall. I love the reaction I get when we step into each room. This was the first thing I did when I took over this practice – repainted each room and gave it a theme. Doors here don’t have numbers, we have names. The Jungle Room, The Fire Truck Room and Noah’s least favorite, the Barbie Room.
    I save my office for last, not because I’m proud of it, but because it’s boring and drab. I open the door and flick on the light. The walls are bare, stark white and recently painted. When I left, I took everything down so my replacement could feel at home. I guess she removed her stuff when she left the other night.
    Standing in the center of my office, I take it all in and what it means to me. This is my livelihood and I should’ve never left my patients, but I needed to volunteer. I needed to feel as if my life meant something. I was spiraling out of control and that was the only way to find some balance.
    As much as it pained me to leave, staying wasn’t the answer. I have so much to thank Africa for, mostly my wife, but also giving me the time to heal without seeing the life I had walking around with someone else. I think seeing them together, as a family, would’ve done me in.
    “What are you thinking about?” Aubrey steps in front of me, making herself the focal point of my attention.
    I push her hair off her shoulder and nuzzle her cheek. “Thank you my sweet, beautiful and sexy wife.”
    “For what?” she giggles lightly, my scruff tickling her.
    I pull back and look at her. I let my hand linger on the back of her head, my fingers tangling in her hair. “For being understanding. For not overreacting when you met Josie and for encouraging me to ask about Noah even though I was scared.”
    “I know how much he means to you. I may not be a mother, but if my ex raised my child I would have thought that I’d have enough love in my heart to let him be a part of their life.”
    The simple mention of a child stirs my insides. I didn’t know men had a biological clock and if this is how women feel, I finally understand the pressure. I want to have a baby with her, but don’t want to pressure her. I’m hoping now that we are here and we’re settling down, she’ll want to make us parents.
    I can picture her so clearly with a rounded belly, sitting in the park reading a book. Everything about her would be perfect. I’d count the hours until I could be home with her. I’d want to touch her constantly, to feel what it feels when the baby kicks. To talk, sing, read and tell stories to our baby. I want to see her like this. I want us to have this happiness.
    “Where’d you go just now?”
    She knows me so well. “I was thinking about us having a baby.”
    “Oh yeah?”
    “Yeah.
    “Do you think you maybe want to try?”
    I can’t help but smile. “There’s no maybe’s, Aubrey. I want to try.”
    “You don’t want to wait until we’ve been married