My Secret Lover

buy
scourer when there’s spray or mousse? You don’t even have to bend over to clean
the bath these days. You can just show it a convenient product.
    And he’s still on dry spaghetti, when
there’s fresh tortelloni with wonderful fillings like Parma Ham, basil and
sundried tomato, or porcini and rocket, or spinach and ricotta. They all taste
the same.
     
    I should have done pasta myself. But
we’ll be fine with... Oops! Forgotten the main course.
    My stuffs on the conveyor now and the
woman behind has a mountainous trolley and an expression that says there’ll be
Till Rage if I nip back'to the chilled compartment.
    I’ll order in a pizza and cut it in a
heart shape in the Icitchen when the bike arrives.
    My total including savings is nearly
a hundred pounds, which is not cheaper than going out, but it’s only
Valentine’s Day once a year after all, and I get a 4p-off-per-litre petrol
voucher.
    I should really apply for the senior
teacher’s job that has come up in a first school in Pinner. I’m certainly experienced
enough. It would certainly make the journey to work easier.
    Now that marriage is back on, and I
am a proper person again, it is the obvious next step on the career ladder.
    I should spend the evenings when
Andy’s rehearsing looking in the TES and updating my CV.
    There are two new messages in my
Inbox.
     
    More interest on your savings AND a
lower mortgage!
    Still single?
     
    I delete both.
    Tempting though the offers are, Andy
and I practise safe surfing. Frankly the benefits that might be accrued by
simplifying my finances would be vastly outweighed by Andy’s fury if I were to
succumb to a virus.
     
    Who is stupid enough to play Casino
Games?
    Unless they let you win a little bit
to encourage you. That would be the time to stop.
     
    Friday night is not the best time to
embark on:
    How Smart Are You?
    Especially since you have to set
yourself against the clock. I’m sure I’ll be smarter in the morning. Unless
it’s the same one I did the other day, in which case I could be very fast
indeed. But that would be cheating. Although nobody would know.
     
    There’s only:
    How Sexy Are You?
    that I haven’t done. For the obvious
reason that I imagine the answer will be b) adequately.
    I could do it and lie outrageously,
but it might be undermining if I still got b).
    I’m never sine about sexual
fantasies. To be honest, I don’t even know whether I’m genuinely having a
fantasy or whether I’m just trying to imagine being gang-banged by a group of
bikers because I once read it on a problem page and the psychologist said it
was perfectly normal. They’re always very polite about it actually, and not as
smelly as you’d think they’d be under all that leather.
    There is always Gary Lineker, but
we’re usually doing a charity cycle ride together, or playing a round of golf,
and the pleasure just seems to be that we do get on remarkably well, although,
I have noticed that he never mentions his wife.
    Question 1 is about how I would flirt
with a Brad Pitt lookalike barman.
    Answer: I wouldn’t.
    I don’t get it with Brad Pitt. To me
he’s the slightly mad son of Robert Redford, and I liked Robert Redford when he
didn’t have children, specifically no later than The Sting.
    I wouldn’t is not an option.
    Do you have to fancy Brad Pitt in
Order to be sexy, or am I supposed to imagine someone else?
    Try it with Gary Lineker, but I can’t
see him serving behind a bar, and if I substitute a health club reception desk,
the options don’t work.
    Click on NEXT.
     
    Are kitten heels sexier than
stilettos?
    I don’t know. I never look sexy in
heels, not because of my legs, which are my best feature, but because I always
fall off. There are some women who are born to wear heels (Michelle) and others
who go over on their ankles even if they’re wearing trainers. I am in the
second category.
    The only time I wore a pair of heels
for an evening, I got a stress fracture in my second metatarsal, which they
can’t put a plaster on, but was very painful none-the-less. Click on NEXT.
    Now I have to choose between Tom
Cruise, Robbie Williams or Craig David. Seems a bit limited. Why can’t I choose
who I want?
    I know it’s a cliché, but there was something about Tom Cruise in Top Gun (maybe it was the motorbike) but
now he doesn’t shave and he’s so cagey about what happened with Nicole Kidman,
I just don’t feel the same way any more.
    Still, of the three, it’s got to be
him. I