My Secret Lover

off and getting in the sight of the
rearview mirror.
    My party bag contains a lollipop, a
piece of birthday cake in a napkin, a furry spider which walks down by itself
when you throw it at a wall, and a spider’s web made out of pale green plastic
that glows in the dark.
    I lick the icing off the web, and go
into my bathroom to test its fluorescence. It’s the only room in the house
without a window.
    ‘I got three squirrels and a little
boy on a micro-scooter,’ says Andy.
    I jump because I’d forgotten he was
still here. Not keen on leaving him alone in my house, but I suppose I shall
have to get used to it when we are married.
    He refills his Super Soaker at the
sink.
    ‘Oh, and the Queen Mother died,’ he
says.

30
     
    April
     
    Hi! I'm sitting in a dark little
Internet café in Portugal with a cup of café com leite, and a little custard
cake with burnt sugar on the top. The sun is so bright, I can't see when I go
outside, and there are tiled pavements. I'm wearing a T-shirt that shows my
tummy button. Holidays are great, aren't they? L
     
    Not if you're working. A
     
    Why are you online at this time of
day? L
     
    Recalled to England temporarily. 18. A
     
    For work? L
     
    Yes. 17. A
     
    You're not normally in England? L
     
    No. 16. A
     
    Why didn't you say so before? I
needn't worry about sitting opposite you on the Metropolitan Line. Not that I
use it very often. Are you English? L
     
    PS. Your English is very good, by the
way, if not. L
     
    Yes. 15. Are you an English teacher?
A
     
    Not exactly. 17. What brings you to England? L
     
    No wonder you're keen on rules.
You're a teacher, aren't you? That explains the unseasonal holiday. A
     
    OK, don't show off. 16. You haven't
answered my question. L
     
    Queen Mother's funeral. 14. I thought
this was supposed to be Yes/No questions. A
     
    Diplomat? Foreign dignitary? Member
of the armed services? L
     
    No. 13. No. 12. No. 11. A
     
    Do you work for the Government in any
capacity? L
     
    I suppose technically I do. 10. A
     
    You're not actual royalty, are you?
What with the uniform and everything? Oh my God, you're Prince Andrew? Trying
to remember if he's 42. L
     
    Is that a question?
     
    Yes. L
     
    No. 9. Are you disappointed? A
     
    In a way, because it would have been
nice to think that a member of the royal family could be so informal. I used to
think he was a total prat, but now I think he's one of the better ones. I don't
know if it's me that's changed or him. The disadvantage would be that our
e-mails would be read by strangers and/or the Sun. L
     
    We are strangers. A
     
    Are you in the secret service? L
     
    How do you think I would answer that
if I were? A
     
    No. L
     
    Well then. A
     
    Think that must mean he is.
Especially since he has failed to deduct a point. Which is a bit spooky.
Perhaps he was one of those people who searches e-mails for words like bomb and
hijack. Although I’ve always thought it unlikely that terrorists would actually
use the words bomb and hijack. No wonder they had no idea about September 11 th .
     
    Dinner by the beach beckons. L
     
    Hasta luego! A
     
    It's Portugal, not Spain. L
     
    Whatever they say in Portugal then. AX
     
    Can’t be very high ranking if he
doesn’t know that.
     
    * * *
     
    ‘What kept you?’ asks Michelle.
    ‘Shopping.’
    ‘What did you buy?’
    ‘A coffee and one of those little
custard cakes.’
    ‘Before supper?’
    She looks at me very suspiciously as
I sit down.
    We both look out over the harbour.
    ‘This is nice,’ says Michelle.
    We always eat in the same restaurant
and we always say the same things. Every year. It’s what we do at Easter.
Easter means Michelle’s timeshare apartment on the Algarve which she bought
with the insurance money. Obviously, she didn’t want to go back to the
Canaries.
    ‘Shame it has to end really,’ says
Michelle.
    ‘We’ve got a whole week left.’
    ‘I mean, this’ll be our last holiday
on the Algarve.’
    ‘Why?’
    ‘Because you’ll be married this time
next year. You’ll say now that it won’t change you, but it will.’
    ‘No it won’t.’
    ‘It will.’
    ‘It really won’t.’
    ‘That’s what you say now.’
    I’m not going to protest any more.
Partly because I think we’re both a bit entrenched in our positions, and partly
because, well, in a way, I’m quite keen on the idea of marriage changing my
life. Just not in this particular way.
    ‘The only thing I don’t like about Portugal is