My Secret Lover

every step. But we’ve never
really got on, and she clearly thinks we only went into the disco because I
told on her.
    We were the oldest people there by
about twenty years.
     
    Michelle makes a great racket when
she finally gets home.
    ‘You’ll never guess who I bumped
into,’ she says, not quite managing to step over my bed to hers.
    We’re sharing the double room. It’s
separate beds, but they’re not very far apart.
    ‘Ow!’
    She’s sitting on my leg.
    ‘Declan,’ she tells me. ‘Now what do
you make of that?’
    She’s forgetting I’ve had three hours
for the gin and Dubonnet to wear off.
    ‘I imagine you informed him where we
were by e-mail and he got a cheap flight,’ I say a bit humour-lessly.
    Now I understand why she went on
about my marriage spoiling things. Michelle always likes to get an attack in
before she has to defend herself.
     
    * * *
     
    Hi. Just saying hi really. I'm at a
bit of a loose end. My best friend has bumped into a bloke from school and
they're inseparable even though she knows he's married. I'm sharing a room with
my heavily pregnant goddaughter. The other's gone off with a banana man, and
the youngest hardly stirs from Cartoon Network, which they don't have at home.
This afternoon, I am on chaperone duty. L
     
    * * *
     
    Charlene must have been joking when
she said this was the slow waterslide. Or trying to kill me.
    Help!
    I will do myself more harm by trying
to slow down than by continuing.
    Help!
    Is this how they practise for the
luge?
    Help!
    If I go any higher up the side on the
next bend I’m going to flip over.
    If I go any faster, I’ll pass out.
    Help!
    If I go round one more corkscrew
turn, my head will detach from my body.
    Help!
    The pool at the end is too small to
stop me.
    I’m going to crash into the wall and
smash my legs into a thousand pieces.
    HELP!!!!
     
    It is amazing how little water you
need to stop when you’ve been travelling at at least eighty miles per hour.
    Oddly, the people coming down after
me don’t seem to be going nearly as fast as I did.
    Perhaps my costume is especially
aerodynamic? It’s only Marks and Spencer.
    I am still alive!
    Wobbling a bit when I stand up.
    Alive!
    ‘All right, Aunt Lyd?’ asks Charlene,
all concerned. ‘Fantastic! I’m going up again.’
    That wipes the teenage smirk off her
face.
     
    * * *
     
    Guess what? I've discovered the
secret of human happiness. Waterslides! It must be the speed, or the proximity
to death, or something. Have you ever tried? L
     
    * * *
     
    Hi. I've cracked two ribs. Nothing
they can do about it apparently, although we'll see what they say when we get
back to England. It was silly to come down face forwards, and specifically
banned by pictures of people in red circles, which I thought meant No Diving.
The insurance may pick up on that. How are you? L
     
    * * *
     
    Still immobile, but at least I'm not
supposed to be captaining for England in the World Cup. I feel for David
Beckham, even though I'm one of the few who doesn't fancy him. Still, it does
mean the nation can move on from the Queen Mother. Funnily enough, I sustained
a similar injury to my metatarsal a while back. It's not uncommon amongst
people with jobs which involve a lot of standing. They can't put it in plaster.
You just have to suffer. Declan, Michelle and I all put our hands on the photo
of Becks' foot for a laugh. Then realized we were a day late, because they
don't get the papers here until the afternoon! L
     
    * * *
     
    Bloody hell! If you're David bloody
Beckham, they can put your foot in plaster! I may seek a second opinion
for my ribs. Which are fine if I just sit. Which is why I'm spending so much
time in the Internet café. Isn't it strange how people express pain in
different languages? In England we say Ow! In Portugal they say Ay! But we're
all human beings and since it's more of a reaction than a word you would have
expected it to be more onomatopoeic. I wonder what they say in Japan and Korea? Weather is lovely. Wish you were here. In an online kind of way. L
     
    * * *
     
    Haven't heard from you and beginning
to wonder if it's because you guessed that I'm a teacher. It doesn't have to be
the end of the game. L
     
    * * *
     
    I'm not the sort who moans on about
SATS, and although I do think we're poorly paid, generally I really love my
job. But I won't talk about it, if you find it boring. L
     
    * * *
     
    If it's about your job, I haven't
told anyone. L
     
    * * *
     
    You've