My Secret Lover

even
though he’s not Andy 42.
    Maybe this is what loving someone
feels like. ‘Much less trouble,’ he says. ‘And expense.’
    ‘What?’
    ‘A dog,’ he says, ‘We could always
get a dog.’
    ‘Edgar, Foxtrot, Golf...?’ says the
publican.
    Andy writes down Hotel.
    Am I the only person who thinks there
should be an alternative alphabet for initials, like A as in Arse, B as in Bugger,
F as in oh Fuck?
     
    We lose.
    The correct answer was Fitzroy, not
Finisterre, and there’s a very good team from our nearest rival pub with a man
who owns a yacht.
     
    ‘Shall I come in?’ Andy asks when we
draw up outside my house.
    ‘It might be a bit crowded with you
and Joanna in the bed,’ I say.
    There’s just a flicker of excitement
before his face goes back to normal.
    Rain is pelting on the roof of the
car.
    I have my hand on the door, but I am
thinking that sometimes it’s easier to say things in cars. No one else can hear
you. And the other person can’t walk away or hide his expression very easily. I
know it’s silly to start a conversation like this after three pints of Stella,
but...
    ‘There’s been something I’ve been
wanting to talk to you about,’ I say.
    The windscreen wipers swish backwards
and forwards.
    ‘Me too,’ says Andy.
    ‘After you, then,’ I say. .
    ‘No, after you.’
    ‘Shall we toss a coin?’ I suggest.
    Andy always keeps change for car park
in his ashtray.
    It’s heads, I win.
    ‘So?’ says Andy.
    ‘No, I won. Therefore I choose. You
go first.’
    Andy sighs.
    ‘I don’t suppose it will come as much
of a surprise to you that Daphne and I have become close,’ he says.
    Actually, it is a surprise. Which, in
itself, is a surprise.
    ‘Close in what sense?’ I ask.
    ‘How many senses are there?’
    ‘Well, there’s very, which is
platonic, or there’s quite, which isn’t,’ I explain.
    ‘Quite close,’ he says, pretending to
look in his side-view mirror, but the windows have steamed up.
    ‘What about her foot?’ I ask.
    ‘I think it’s only since the talk of
amputation that I’ve realized the strength of my feelings,’ says Andy.
    I’m thinking a number of unsayable
things, one of which includes Paul McCartney, but we don’t want to go there.
    ‘It’s terrible weather for July,
isn’t it?’ says Andy. He’s not going to get away with that.
    ‘So, that’s it?’ I say.
    ‘That seems to be it,’ he says.
‘Sorry.’
    ‘When were you going to tell me?’
    ‘I’ve just told you.’
    ‘But I started it.’
    ‘No you didn’t. You made me go
first.’
    I think I may be too drunk to win
this one.
    ‘If Joanna and the boys hadn’t been
staying, would you have had sex with me before telling me?’ I demand to know.
    The wipers are still furiously wiping
the fogged-up windscreen.
    If anyone’s watching the car, they’re
probably thinking we are having a passionate snog.
    I shall take the silence as
affirmative.
    Don’t know whether to be flattered or
not.
    I open the door.
    ‘What were you going to tell me?’
asks Andy. ‘Doesn’t matter now,’ I say, slamming it.
     
    Differences between men and women:
    7. Endings.
    Women finish relationships when they
don’t love someone any more.
    Men finish relationships when they
have another woman to go on to.
     
    With BerNARD, it was his best friend
Mary Beth, in whom he confided during holidays back in Vancouver.
    They still send me a Christmas card
every year, as if I’m a grown-up person who couldn’t possibly bear a grudge for
all this time.
    I think they’re up to five children
now, all smiling mouthfuls of metal at the camera.
     
    It’s nice having people to come home
to. Sometimes the house itself seems to be breathing slowly and evenly as I
quietly open the front door and tiptoe upstairs.
     
    * * *
     
    My mouse glides over:
    Henman out
    and:
    Kylie's cellulite shocker
     
    There are two new messages in my
Inbox.
     
    Dreammate. Still single?
     
    Re: Meeting
     
    Why isn't it a good idea? A
     
    I click on REPLY.
     
    I've just split up with the kilt. L
     
    Sorry. A
     
    You don't sound very sorry. L
     
    Sometimes difficult to get the right
tone on the screen. A
     
    So much for your idea about telling
him. L
     
    You split up because of that? A
     
    I was about to tell him that I
couldn't have children, but to be honest, I could just as easily have been
going to say that you can't marry someone you don't love. Even six year olds
know that. L
     
    Difficult enough when you do